Camp Umbrella
by Wesker Chick
Summary: It's BACK! Bigger! Longer! In Story Format! Join varous RE characters as they enter a world far more frightening than anything they have yet encountered...Summer Camp! [Final Chapter is up!]
1. Welcome to Camp!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own RE it belongs to Capcom. In fact I own nothing in the following pages that are brand names or belong to someone else. I only own what came out of my own little twisted brain.

A/N: I know everyone has simply been waiting for this fic with baited breath. I hope you enjoy the re-writes.

Due to some technical difficulties the entire first chapter of this fic has been rewritten. (Ok, I accidentally deleted the first chapter…sue me.) I hope you enjoy, and that it is at least as good as the first time I wrote it.

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* * *

Somewhere in the Mountains of Raccoon City…**

The sun rises over a beautiful setting. Little cabins lay nestled next to a large clear blue lake. Several children are running around, doing what all children do on such beautiful summer days, simply having fun and enjoying life. A large sign stands at the opening to this haven of fun and excitement. There is no way to miss it, as you have to drive right under it in order to get here. In large white letters the sign reads:

Camp Umbrella

And right below that in exceptionally small letters and a foreign language, most likely ancient Aztec, is a disclaimer:

We will not be held responsible if your precious little hellions are eaten by one of the sheer perfection bio-weapons we have wandering around out here. If they turn into zombies…well that's just tough shit…

A large red and white bus barrels down the dirt road toward the camp. In fact it's going, much faster than you would expect a vehicle of its size capable of. It comes to a skidding halt right underneath the sign and seconds later the doors slam open.

"Alright you pintsized little bastards…OFF!"

Several extremely confused and somewhat dazed children stumble off the bus. The reason for their confused and dazed expressions is most likely due to the drugs their parents slipped into their kool-aide before dumping them on the bus. As soon as the last unfortunate child has stumbled out, the bus driver slams the doors shut, does a 180, and punches the gas.

"Free at last!!!"

He is last seen heading toward Vegas with his arms flailing around wildly, holding a beer in his left hand and a live turkey in his right…but that is another story…

Anyway, back to the children…

As soon as they are able to shakeoff the drug induced confusion, the children begin to mill about aimlessly in small groups. All of them were dressed in red shorts and white tee shirts emblazoned with a large red and white umbrella.

One child appeared not to appreciate the uniforms too much. Chris Redfield looked at the camp with scorn and contempt. Claire Redfield and Leon S. Kennedy were standing only a few steps away from him, giggling over some key or something they had found. Rebecca Chambers was examining some of the local wildlife while Billy Coen stood over her protectively, sporting a large hand-drawn daisy with the words _Mom _scribbled underneath on his upper arm. Jill Valentine was standing on the other side of Chris, echoing his look of contempt. William and Annette Birkin were staring around at the outside world, looking like they'd much rather be in a deep hole somewhere studying a virus. Brad Vickers was hiding behind Chris whimpering softly and jumping at every noise. Wesker was standing off by himself looking evil, smug, and especially stupid in his Mickey Mouse sunglasses.

While the various children are trying to decide whether or not they should stick around or run for the nearest exit, a tall blonde woman with an overly loud voice and irritating personality came bouncing over.

"Hello!! I'm the head councilor we are going to have fun!! YEA!!!"

Several cabin windows shatter at this loud announcement. While the children try to discern whether or not their ear drums have exploded, there attention is drawn to a young blonde boy who is currently being eaten by a large frog.

"AHHHH!!! Alexia…HELP!!"

They watch in stunned silence as a second blonde child showed up. They were obviously siblings. She shook her head at her half eaten brother, promptly mutated, and set the frog on fire. The frog let out a loud yelp, spit the boy out, and hopped back in the water. The boy, sporting _Alexia for Supreme Ruler_ on his shirt, threw his arms around his sister's legs and proceeded to cry a great amount of tears and shout at the top of his lungs just how amazingly brilliant his sister was. Many of the new campers suddenly started feeling sick to their stomachs. Wesker had just discovered a new target of abuse.

"Anyway." The head councilor, hereafter referred to as Miss Perky, clears her throat turning the perkiness up a notch. "We're going to have loads of fun!! YEA!!"

"Fun only occurs when I can torture Chris." Wesker then adjusts his glasses and sneers at his nemesis.

"Yes well…Let's meet your councilors! YEA!"

The children all groaned as several people made there way over to them. One was a tall rather shapely woman wearing daisy dukes and a halter top, both in deep colors of crimson. The woman stopped and eyed the girls with contempt.

"My name is Ada." Her voice came out in a rather seductive purr, making serial of the boys begin to drool.

The man standing next to her was heavy set, in red shorts, Camp Umbrella shirt, and wearing a strange look of madness.

"No one is going to escape my camp!!" He then proceeded to laugh insanely. "Oh, by the way my name is Brian Irons." He then laughed some more.

The third man was tall, rather skinny, wearing a rather strange white outfit with yellow piping, and staring at the children with a sort of hungry look.

"Oh my new test subjects, how nice." He smiled, only reinforcing the fact that, like Irons, he was completely nuts. "I'm Vincent."

The last man was also dressed in red shorts and a Camp Umbrella tee shirt. He kept looking behind him nervously and appeared to wish he was anywhere but where he currently happened to be standing.

"Um, hi." The man waggled his fingers a bit, still looking nervous. "Um…my name is Richard. Oh and don't go down to the northern end of the lake, it's dangerous."

The children looked at each other, so far extremely unimpressed by their councilors. A few of them were, of course, scared of Vincent and Irons…alright, fine, just Brad was scared, but hey he's scared of everything. After staring at each other for about five minutes Miss Perky broke the silence.

"Alright! Off you go to your cabins…yea!"

She then bounded off to spread some joy to some other unlucky camper that happened to enter her field of vision. Ada shook her head, sighing heavily.

"Alright girls, walk this way."

Ada spun on her heel and flounced toward the girls cabin. Claire looked at Rebecca and shrugged. Both girls then proceeded to follow Ada, attempting their best to flounce. As the rest of the female campers also followed, Chris managed to snag Leon by the back of the shirt as he attempted to flounce his way after the rather shapely Ada.

"Alright from now on all you boys will be known as _Zombie Bait._" Irons narrowed his eyes, glaring down at Wesker. " Except you, from now on you're _Treacherous Bastard_."

Wesker shrugged, smiling evilly. The rest of the boys groaned, shaking their heads but followed Irons to the boy's cabin. The cabin was dark, dreary, and for some odd reason the door was flanked by two large torches. Slightly horrified the boys crept into the cabin. Several other boys were already inside.

"Hello there, my name's Forest." The boy smiled cheerfully, extending a hand to Chris.

"My name is Enrico." A tall boy, with thick black hair came forward, eyeing Wesker skeptically. "Have we met before?"

"Not yet, but I plan on killing you in a few years." Wesker smirked and laid down on a near by bunk.

"I hate him already." One boy snapped, walking over to join the group. "By the way, my name's Kenneth."

"Everyone hates him." Chris commented, shaking Forest's hand.

"What's my name?" Ark was standing behind Leon, tapping him on the shoulder. "Do you know who I am?"

Leon rolled his eyes, hoping that Ark would fallin a hole or something within the next 30 seconds. Meanwhile another boy shambled over and started inspecting the condition of Leon's socks. Leon stared at the kid like he'd lost his mind, and glanced at Enrico.

"What the hell's his damage?"

"Who Barry?" Enrico laughed, shaking his head. "He's an idiot."

"I noticed." Leon hopped backwards, trying to get Barry loose from his foot. "Does he do this often?"

"Pretty much everyday."

Meanwhile the short blonde boy from earlier came bounding into the cabin and did a flying leap into the nearest bunk, landing right in Wesker's lap. The boy then proceeded to beat Wesker about the head and shoulders, well more like slapping him like a little girl but it produced the same effect.

"Ahh! Get off me you little freak!" Wesker rolled off the bunk giving the blonde boy a kick.

"You looked at my sister!!" The boy screamed as he flew through the air and landed in Chris' arms. "I SAW YOU STARING AT HER!!"

"What's up with this kid?" Chris glanced at Forest, while still trying to restrain the young man. Chris wasn't fond of the kid or anything but he figured Wesker would probably kill him and that would make a horrible mess in the cabin.

"Alfred likes his sister just a little too much, if you get what I'm saying." Interrupted a young man with a high squeaky voice and a rather bad Leonardo DeCaprio haircut. "I'm Steve."

"Oh man, that's just wrong."

We're going to leave the boys to bond for a minute or two while we move along and see what the girls are up to. We find the girls inspecting their new surroundings.

"Well this isn't as bad as I imagined." Claire smiled. "At least there's nothing freaky living here or anything."

"You'll change your mind once you've meet Alexia." A little blonde girl, perhaps a year or two younger than Claire peeked over the top of her bunk. "I'm Sherry."

"Uh, aren't you Annette's daughter?" Rebecca asked, looking confused.

"Yea, the authoress ran out of female characters." Sherry sat up and slipped to the floor. "I was sorta her last choice."

"Why didn't she use some of the outbreak girls?" Jill sat down on a nearby bunk, Indian style. "I mean, there's like four of them or something."

"Because she's not very bright." The voice was snide. The girls turned to see the young blonde girl from earlier. "I am Alexia Ashford, you may bow before me now, it'll save time in the long run."

"Or I could simply beat the hell out of you and leave you to die in the woods to be eaten by scavenging animals." Claire snapped an innocent smile adoring her face.

Jill rolled her eyes as the two women stared each other down. "This is going to be a long couple of weeks…"


	2. Arts and Crafts

A/N: Sorry for the long delay…please don't hurt me.

The Boy's Cabin

Again the sun is shining and the day is simply beautiful. In fact this day is no different than the day before. Well except for a few strange events that happen to be occurring in the boy's cabin at this very moment…

Ark is wandering around in a daze, asking anyone who will listen to him who he is. Chris and Wesker are involved in yet another scuffle on the floor, the fourth one since getting here. Enrico is standing on the sidelines of the current fight, rooting for Chris. Alfred is busy making up more _Alexia For Supreme Ruler _tee shirts. Kenneth, Forest, and Joseph are off in a corner trying to come up with an escape plan. Billy is currently attempting to gag Steve to shut him up. Leon is trying to get Barry off his foot, apparently Barry is now interested in Leon's sneakers. William is hiding under one of the bunks, observing the scene, and writing down several notes. Brad is also hiding under one of the bunks, but that's because he's afraid of all the strange noises the cabin is making.

Without warning the door crashes open to reveal Irons and some strange snaky thing clinging to his pants. Bread lets out a terrified scream, bolts out from under the bed, makes a flying leap over Chris and Wesker, and lands atop Chris's bunk. Where he promptly pulls the blankets over his head in an attempt to ward off the evil Irons.

"Alright zombie chow and Treacherous Bastard, time for arts and crafts. With any luck most of you won't survive."

Irons then proceeds to laugh insanely while the boys stare at him. Various whimpering sounds can be heard from Chris' bunk.

Let's switch gears for a moment and take a look at the Girl's Cabin.

It appears that relations between Alexia and Claire have not improved from the night before. The two girls are glaring at each other from across the room, if looks could kill they would both be dead. Rebecca is sitting in a corner with wisps of smoke curling off her head. She lost the two hour long marathon of rock/paper/scissors and had to sleep in the bunk below Alexia. Apparently Alexia spontaneously bursts into flames at night, poor Rebecca. Annette, like her someday to be husband, is secluded under her bunk taking notes. Jill is attempting to save Sherry from a stray Cerberus that has wandered into the room. Shortly after successfully dispatching the Cerberus, with a hair barrette not less, the door to the cabin screeched open and Ada strutted in.

"Alright you fashion victims, time for Arts and crafts."

The girls groaned and followed Ada out of the cabin, still attempting to flounce.

A & C Table

In short order the campers take their assigned seats at the table. A few minutes later Vincent comes bounding over with an unusual amount of energy. It's actually kinda creepy. Just behind him are two uniformed assistants pushing a hospital bed with a young boy strapped to it.

"Today we're going to learn how to make a Tyrant! Won't that be fun"

And with the normal confusion of young children the campers stare at Vincent like he's lost his mind. Except for William and Annette, who immediately pull out a couple clip boards and prepare to take notes.

"Now, it's very important that you find a subject that no one will miss. Like little Kevin here, who only has

two cameo appearances one in Remake and one in Zero. So first…"

Vincent smiles, picks up a scalpel, and leans over poor little Kevin. Chris glances at Leon and nods. Both of them are now preparing to jump Vincent and save Kevin's life. But, before they can pounce, Miss Perky sees what is going on and comes running over waving her clip board around wildly.

"WAIT!!"

She quickly pulls Vincent away from the hospital bed. Kevin breaths a shaking sigh of relief, hoping this is a reprieve. Miss Perky quickly whispers a few words to Vincent. His expression turns from one of excitement to grim sadness. Miss Perky then pats him on the back, spins around, and prances off to spread some more joy.

"Damn, seems by contract states I can't perform any hideous experiments on any of you. Pity, with such a large abundance of experimental material. Oh well." Vincent consults his clipboard as the two assistants wheel the Kevin away. "Make a project, depicting something important in your life, or whatever. I'll be back in a while."

The campers turn to one another, sigh, and start working on their projects. And what an assortment of materials to work with. Clay, feathers, toothpicks, Popsicle sticks, and other such stuff children enjoy making messes with. Each child busies themselves with their respective art projects, including young Miss Claire who is currently in search of a red marker. After a bit of digging she locates the elusive writing instrument and continues with her art endeavor.

"You have no idea what you're dealing with. Besides, I need that."

Wesker reaches across the table and snatches the marker out of Claire's hand. Claire sits dumbstruck for a moment then starts tearing up.

"That was mine!"

At this point Claire completely breaks down crying. Leon, who is sitting on the other side of her, tries to help but is stopped by Steve. Whose become a regular fan boy, despite the fact that he only met Claire like five minutes ago. A slap fight ensues. Chris, whose sitting across from Wesker, looks up.

"YOU HURT MY SISTER!!"

Chris dives across the table and tackles Wesker. Another fight ensues with both participants rolling around on the ground. Jill looks up from art project and beams at Chris.

"He's so brave."

__

Two hours later…

Chris and Wesker are back at their respective seats, their faces covered in red marker. Written across Wesker's forehead is the word Dork. Written on Chris' forehead is the word idiot. Wesker's Mickey Mouse sunglasses are now being held together with duct tape and string. Claire clutches the now mangled marker with happiness looking at her brother like he's a God or something. Leon and Steve are sulking, their faces red from the strenuous slap fight. In the meantime Vincent finally decides to return from wherever it is he went.

"Alright, let's see what you came up with. Wesker, we'll start with you and go around the table."

Wesker holds up a picture with a lot of pink in it and glares at Chris.

"Chris thwarted my plans to steal the red marker so I was forced to use pink."

"That's great, but what is it?"

"What I hope remains of Chris, after I torture and kill him."

Wesker then breaks into a fit of evil laughter., which is a bit high pitched and nothing like his later conniving evil laugh. His voice hasn't change yet, give him a break. Vincent shakes his head, rubbing at the bridge of his nose.

"Great. Not exactly what I wanted you to do, but whatever. Claire."

Claire holds up a collage with a bunch of bright colors. Vincent groans, he's not exactly a fan of modern art.

"Great abstract. What's the broom headed thing, your brother?"

"Either that or Vash the Stampede, not really sure. But it's supposed to be Chris…I think."

Leon holds up a building made of toothpicks.

"It's the RPD I wanna be a cop." Leon beams proudly smiling like an idiot.

"Ok, what's the short pink thing?" Vincent squints a bit trying to get a better look.

"Claire." Leon's smile gets even broader and he blushes a bit.

"I'm not that short you twit!" Claire does not seem pleased with the picture and slaps Leon.

Steve holds up a perfect rendition of an older sexier Claire.

"It's Claire."

"Oh Steve, how sweet!"

Claire leans over and gives Steve a peck on the cheek. Steve's face turns three shades of red. Leon's face also turns three shades of red, but that's because he's angry. Two seconds later he starts beating Steve with his model of the R.P.D., toothpicks fly everywhere.

William holds up a purple vile made of play-doe.

"It's sheer perfection, my precious G-Virus."

William then hugs the play-doe. This gesture elicits blank stares from everyone present except Annette, who looks ready to throw up.

"Ya sure, whatever." Vincent reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a bottle of vodka. "NEXT!"

Annette holds up a stick figure made of Popsicle sticks, which is holding a purple feather.

"It's William and his G-Virus."

Annette smiles brightly. That was the best she could come up with, since she couldn't figure out a way to make a picture of William getting blown up on the train. It's scary, when you think about it, that Annette would find William's death to be her favorite moment. Sherry is not surprised by her mother's picture, though she is a tab bit pissed.

"That's just cold you know." Sherry sighs and holds up a picture of a pink stick figure. " It's Claire."

"Oh God will this never end." Vincent's words are now slightly slurred, thanks to drinking half the bottle. " NEXT!!"

Billy holds up a picture of Rebecca and an empty set of handcuffs.

"Rebecca and my freedom. Of course Freedom comes first."

Rebecca leans over and slaps Billy, then holds up her own picture. A hand sewn bullet proof vest.

"So I can survive the Mansion, when Wesker betrays us all."

"Say, can I borrow that?"

Enrico reaches for the vest, which Rebecca promptly pulls out of his grimy fingers.

"No."

Joseph holds up a bandana.

"Because it's the only thing worth living for, seeing as how I die in the opening FMV. Of course that's longer

than Kevin had."

A pilot's helmet comes flying out of nowhere, knocking him unconscious. Kevin stands near a tree, snickering, before being devoured by several Cerberus. Kenneth and Forest both pass on their turns, since they have nothing to live for and are too busy with their escape plan. Ark doesn't have a project, because he can't remember what's important to him, anymore than he can remember who he is. Enrico holds up a picture of Jill.

"Oh how sweet." Jill blushes.

"Because she's the last person I get to see while alive, plus I get a nice view of her boobs."

After a brief moment of stunned silence Jill beats Enrico into unconsciousness with her art project. Toothpicks fly everywhere along with a few pieces of clay.

"I did have the picture of my perfect man, which depicts a tall man with brown hair wearing a green S.T.A.R.S. uniform, and his last name is Redfield."

"What…hic…ever." Vincent now cracks open his third bottle of vodka.

Barry holds up a large piece of red play-doe.

"It's blood, that I will be examining for a great amount of time. I just hope it's not Chris' blood."

Despite the fact that everyone knows Barry is an idiot this proclamation is met with blank stares. Alfred holds up a diorama of a large island made of small twigs. In the center is a miniature of a beautiful young woman in a purple dress.

"It's my backwater base that I will run like a Nazi."

"Is that Alexia?" Jill cocks her head sideways.

"No, that's me. Alexia is over here in this oak twig, that's really a cryogenic stasis tube." Alfred smiles broadly and turns to Chris. "Isn't it cute?"

"Please don't talk to me." Chris turns a bit white, slides away from him, and holds up his picture. "The girl is Claire, the headstone is Wesker's, and the Umbrella with the big X over it represents me wiping out Umbrella."

Wesker snorts, crossing his arms. "Idiot."

Chris dives across the table, tackles Wesker, and the third fight of the day commences. Despite the knock down drag out fight, the displaying of art continues. Brad holds up a rather beautifully made play-doe chopper.

"My chopper that I will leave in abandoning everyone else to die. "

Alexia holds up a papier-mâché globe.

"I want the world to bow at me feet!" She then laughs evilly.

"Just spiffy, you all get A's. Now get out of here, and bother someone else."

Vincent then promptly passes out. The campers beat a hasty retreat lest they be subjected to more horrific pass times. Well, except for Wesker and Chris who are busy beating the hell out of each other…

A/N: Well I hope you enjoyed this chapter. The rewrites for this one were actually pretty easy.


	3. Water Sports

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One Week Later…

During the last week, the children have been subject to many horrifying spectacles. Including another arts crafts session with Vincent. The second attempt worked out no better than the first. Ending with several massive paper cuts, two black eyes, and at least one concussion from a flying bottle of glue. Later they were treated to a rousing game of dodge ball, where Wesker and Chris wound up in another fight bringing the grand total 27, so far anyway.

William was sent to the first Aide office, after being decked by Sherry. Leon and Steve both managed to inflict a great amount of damage to each other in a ten minute slap fight. Later Jill and Claire managed to corner Alexia and beat the hell out of her. Wesker was bitch slapped by Alexia later the same day for drop kicking Alfred into the lake. Ark did manage to regain his memory for, at least a short period of time, after being knocked unconscious by a baseball the next day.

All in all things are not proceeding well for our little friends. Currently, we find our poor unfortunate vic…err…children sitting in front of the mess hall desperately trying to figure out if their parents are trying to get them killed by sending them here or they just don't like them. Most thoughts lean toward, death…

Several minutes later Richard wanders toward the children, carrying a clipboard, and looking a bit ill. In fact Richard just does not look happy to be here at all, poor guy.

"All right Children, time for a canoe ride!" He attempts to be perky, but is just not pulling it off

There is an intermixture of groans and whimpers from the children and a loud plop sound as Brad passes out. This is to be expected for most of the activities the children will be forced to participate in.

"Now, now, don't be that way, it's gonna be fun!" Richard leads the kids over to some waiting canoes and checks his clipboard. "Alright now, this is who I want in the canoes…

Chris with Wesker (glare at each other)

Claire with Jill (smile happily)

Kenneth, Joseph, Forest (shrug)

Annette with William (smile, well sorta anyway)

Steve with Leon (glaring)

Ark with Barry (exchange confused looks)

Alexia with Brad (Brad whimpers slightly while Rebecca sighs with relief and Alfred sulks)

Alfred with Billy (Billy groans)

Enrico with Sherry

"What about me?" Rebecca then mentally kicks herself for not running when she had the chance.

"Oh, you get to ride with a new camper, that just got here." Richard motions toward a dark haired boy who struts over. "This is Carlos."

"All the foxy girls love me." Carlos smiles, eyeing Jill.

Rebecca groans while wishing she could drop dead in the next 60 seconds, but then that just wouldn't be any fun. Slowly, everyone climbs into the their assigned canoes. Richard makes the unfortunate decision to climb in with Chris and Wesker.

In all honesty the trip started out pretty well, of course that couldn't last. Ten minutes after the trip started, things went to hell in a handcart.

"You're paddling on the wrong side!" Chris growls at Wesker from behind Richard. "You're supposed to have your oar on the left side of the canoe you moron!"

"Shut up Redfield!" Wesker snapped, moving his oar to the left side.

"Don't tell me to shut up! You shut up!" Chris counters, waving the oar menacingly at Wesker.

"Now boys…" Richard is look a tad nervous at this point.

Chris dove past Richard and grabbed Wesker by the throat, banging his head against the side of the canoe. This did not make Richard any less nervous, as the canoe was rocking very violently at this point. Maybe I should mention Richard has a tiny fear of water.

"AHHHHH! THE CANOE'S ON FIRE!" Brad waves his arms around wildly trying to put the flames out.

"Oh sorry about that." Alexia smiles shyly. "I thought I had that under control, my bad."

"I'll save you Alexia!" Alfred then tries to jump to his feet, promptly trips, and falls on top of Billy.

"Ahhh!" Billy slaps at Alfred repeatedly with one of the oars. "Rebecca get it off, get it off!"

"I'm having problems of my own!"

And indeed poor Rebecca is. It seems that young Carlos has become infatuated with Jill, as evidenced by his ramming their canoe into Jill and Claire's canoe.

"Hey there baby." Carlos winks at Jill, turning up the smile several notches. "Wanna go for a swim?"

Claire glances at Jill and sighs heavily, eternally thankful that she only has to deal with Steve and Leon. Jill groans and pulls out a clipboard, scanning over the pages rather quickly.

"You do not have brown hair, you are not a S.T.A.R.S. member, nor is your last name Redfield. Sorry, you lose."

Jill gives Claire a nod and Claire hits Carlos over the head with a paddle, sparing everyone more of his insanely bad accent. Rebecca finds this newest development very amusing. Meanwhile our two resident morons, Ark and Barry, are paddling in circles, oblivious to the carnage going on around them.

"Look, water." Barry points at the water. "I hope it's not Chris' water…"

Ark just stares at Barry, looking more confused than usual. Though I honestly didn't think that was possible. A few feet away, a minor disagreement has broken out between Leon and Steve.

"You're an idiot with bad voice acting!" Leon proclaims, jumping to his feet.

"Ya…well I get a cool love scene!" Steve screams, also jumping to his feet.

"Where, thankfully, you die!"

Our two fan boys now proceed to swing their paddles at each other. At least it's a tab bit more manly than slapping each other. A short distance from them is the canoe containing Kenneth, Joseph, and Forest. You know the extras who really have no use and such. Kenneth glances toward where Chris and Wesker are trying to kill each other and taps Forest on the shoulder.

"Do you think we should try and like do something?"

"Naw, with any luck they'll kill each other, and we'll never have to get near the mansion."

"We aren't that lucky." Joseph sighs, watching the fight between Steve and Leon. "At least it's good entertainment."

Meanwhile…bet you just knew I was gonna say that…William and Annette are soaking wet and sitting on top of their overturned canoe. Laugh, go on, it's funny.

"Honey." Annette turns, flicking a bit of wet hair out of her eyes. "How did this happen?"

"As scientists, we are physically inept."

"Which means we're not bright enough to row a canoe?"

"Basically, in a word, yes."

"But you created the G-Virus. Doesn't that mean that you're smart?"

"Yes I do indeed posses great intelligence." William pulled out a pen and several papers. "But it would appear that despite our great mental faculties, neither of us are adapt at physical activities."

"Isn't that rather stereotypical of the author?"

"I think she ran out of ideas at this point."

He is so right. Anyway, far ahead of everyone else Sherry and Enrico.

"Um, Enrico, isn't this the northern end of the lake?"

"Ya, why?"

"Well…ah…didn't Richard say not to come over here?"

Indeed he did, and for good reason. For right at that moment…Neptune popped his head out of the water. Enrico and Sherry stare at the large shark for exactly fifteen seconds before screaming in high girly voices and paddling in the opposite direction for all they are worth. The screaming pulls Chris's attention from his stranglehold on Wesker long enough to see Neptune heading for them.

"OH SHIT GIANT SHARK!"

__

Insert much screaming here, as needed for a good effect.

"BACK TO SHORE!" Richard yelled, throwing Chris into the back of the boat.

"Where's Brad!" Claire yelled, looking around wildly.

And let's see, just where is Brad. Ah yes there he is on shore. It would seem that Brad can walk on water, go figure. Man oh man did he book it across that lake too. Unfortunately Alexia is now in the canoe by herself.

"OMG! Does he actually expect me to paddle my own canoe?" Alexia stares around, expecting some sort of answer. "I might break a nail!"

"I'm coming Alexia!" Alfred yells, trying to sound manly and not quite pulling it off.

"Here I'll give you a hand."

Billy then tosses Alfred overboard. By this time William and Annette have noticed what is going on.

"Well, perhaps we should leave." Annette says, rather calmly while trying to row the overturned canoe.

"I concur."

Five minutes later everyone is on shore except Chris, Wesker and Richard.

"You're paddling on the wrong side…AGAIN!" Chris growled.

"Anytime you wanna sit up here, you try it golden boy!" Wesker snapped.

"Just keep paddling!" Richard looks ready to cry.

They finally make it to shore, with much cursing from Wesker and Chris. Who promptly get into yet another fight bringing the total score to 29. Richard climbs out of the canoe, shaking.

"A…A…A…Aright, th…th…that w…w…w…was…was…"

After a few more seconds of trying to speak Richard finally just passes out, whimpering softly to himself.

"C'mon, I think they're serving ice cream at the mess hall."

Everyone walks off, leaving Wesker and Chris rolling in the dirt.


	4. A Hike in the Woods

****

Three Days After the Canoe Trip

Things have definitely not improved for our unfortunate campers as of late. If the canoe trip hadn't been bad enough, they had just been informed by Miss Perky that they would be going on a three day camp out in the middle of the woods, presumably to bond. However, most of the campers figured that their parents and councilors were hoping that they'd get lost and eaten by various wild animals.

So we find our happy little children standing near the large _Camp Umbrella_ sign, decked out in hiking gear. On the whole, most of the campers look extremely depressed.

"Has anyone seen my backpack?"

Ark looks around, his usual facial expression if confusion firmly in place. At this point everyone is doing their best to ignore him, a few people are actually considering euthanasia on the poor twit. Wesker wants to sell him to Vincent, for his experiments.

"Dude, you're wearing it."

Kenneth shakes his head, sending a silent prayer to the heavens for a bolt of lightening to strike Ark dead right now. No answer is forthcoming. In the meantime Ark finally realizes that he's wearing the backpack.

"Thanks." He squints his eye at Kenneth. "Uh…who are you again?"

Kenneth sighs, shakes his head, and seriously considers helping Wesker sell Ark off. Meanwhile Claire and Jill are looking over the entire assembly of campers and wondering how many of them will come back alive. Both of them sincerely hope Alexia is not among the returnees to camp.

"Think of it this way Claire, with her along we don't have to worry about starting a fire."

"I suppose when you put it that way Jill…maybe should wait till we get back to camp to kill her."

"That isn't exactly what I meant."

While Jill goes on to explain to Claire why it is they can't kill the evil little blonde, said blonde is piling several articles of clothing into her brother's pack. I mean heaven forbid Alexia should _actually_ have to do something that resembles work.

"Now Alfred, don' you lose my backpack."

"I would rather die than lose anything of yours my sweet sister."

Despite the strain of carrying both his and Alexia's backpacks, the little idiot still looks happy. Alexia graces him with a genuine smile, pats him on the head, and goes back to filing her nails. The pat on the head causes Alfred to overbalance and fall face first in the dirt.

Just a few feet away Wesker adjusts his sunglasses, or attempts to. Their condition has greatly deteriorated causing more duct tape and string to be applied.

"I hate camping."

"Is that all you are going to do, is complain!" Chris snaps.

"No, I plan to kill you and bury your body under a large stump, while we are hiking."

"Bring it on!"

Chris then jumps Wesker, bringing the count to 67. You know I'm starting to get the feeling those two just don't get along.

"Don't worry Rebecca, I'll keep an eye on you." Billy pats her on the shoulder smiling broadly.

"Thank you Billy."

While Rebecca stares at Billy with love and adoration, Enrico shoves a finger down his throat and makes gagging noises. Joseph turns a bright shade of red and covers his mouth, trying not to burst out in laughter. Billy catches the whole scene out of the corner of his eye and slaps Enrico. Brad is standing bare inches from Billy, much closer than Billy is comfortable with, glancing around nervously and anticipating being eaten any second. Even though they haven't even set foot out of camp yet. A few feet from this mind numbing display of utter cowardice…Barry stares at a rock. And just a few feet from there…Leon and Steve are about to engage in another slap fight.

"With any luck you'll die a horrible death, girly man." Leon glares at Steve.

"Girly Man, huh. Better than an empty headed police officer." Steve glares at Leon.

While our two fan boys exchange obscenities, trust me you really don't want to know what they are saying, Sherry is sulking with her parents.

"I don't even know why I'm here. Hell the only time the authoress even mentions me, is when she remembers

that she was short of female characters and threw me in here for a cheap laugh."

"It's alright dear." Annette pats her shoulder, trying to cheer her up.

"Yes our young offspring, I doubt anyone really cares anyway. As I do believe you are one of the most

hated RE characters of all time, and are basically used as a cheap laugh in most fan fics."

While Annette is a bit stunned by William's apparent lack of manners, not to mention common sense, Sherry takes matters into her own hands and beats him senseless with a nearby stick. After several minutes of unbridled violence, one would normally attribute to Wesker, Sherry does seem a bit perkier. Annette looks down at her beaten and bloodied husband, shaking her head.

" I think you deserved that one, dear."

So while the campers engage in mindless and somewhat violent pastimes Miss Perky comes bounding up, leaking perkiness all over poor Chris and Wesker. The fighting in the dirt immediately stops as both participants look slightly dazed and confused, even more so than how poor Ark normally looks.

"My it is such a beautiful morning!" Chris smiles stupidly.

"I wish to pick a sunflower and compose a poem!" Wesker…ok him smiling like that is just creepy.

These two loud proclamations from Chris and Wesker only elicit blank stares from everyone else, and a lot of whimpering from Brad. Miss Perky, on the other hand is completely oblivious to the damage she has just done to those poor boys.

"Alright kids, we're going on a campout, yea!" Miss Perky smiles brightly turning the perkiness up several notches.

"ALRIGHT!" Chris screams, jumping to his feet.

"WHEEEE! FUN FUN FUN!" Wesker proclaims running around in circles.

It should be noted that everyone is still staring at them. Joseph and Kenneth are prepared to hit Chris and/or Wesker should either of them even get within ten feet of them. William wants to run some experiments to see if 'leaked perkiness' could somehow be used as a bio-weapon.

"Ok, coming from Wesker…that's just creepy." Claire whispers to Jill. Jill just nods looking shell shocked.

"Alright, let's move out, YA!"

Miss Perky skips down the trail, followed by equally perky Chris and Wesker, the latter is singing . Everyone looks at one another, shrugs, and finally follows.

"I swear if she says yea one more time, I'm gonna hit her with a stick." Sherry's perkiness has since been lost.

"That might in fact be a worthwhile endeavor. She's even more annoying than you, my young offspring."

Though Sherry is unsure about half of what William has just said…she still hits him with a stick.

****

Several hours later…

"Oh man, my head hurts." Chris groaned, holding his head.

"The after effects of having been exposed to unchecked perkiness." Jill hands him some Advil. "You should feel better in a few minutes."

"Happy, happy, happy!" Wesker bounds up and hands Chris a flower, he then bounds off to spread some more joy.

"I almost liked him better when he was a bastard." Claire grimaces as Wesker skips around.

"Ya know the guy is really starting to creep me out. He's worse than old girly man." Carlos points at Steve, then points to Alfred. "Or Alexia's pet."

"What did you call me!" Steve yells, turning three shades of red.

"FINALLY…someone besides me has noticed."

Leon's moment of triumph is short-lived, when Steve bashes him in the head with a Snickers bar. Steve is then about to bash Carlos, when the little twit realizes Carlos could kick his ass. So instead of incurring bodily injury, Steve decides to mumble obscenities under his breath. In the meantime Rebecca helps Leon to his feet and takes a look at the wound one of the peanuts from the Snickers bar has caused to poor Leon's head.

"I think Brad has some extra band aides in his pack." Rebecca taps Brad on the shoulder. "Hey Brad, could…"

Bread lets out a high pitched squeal, jumps straight in the air, and lands in a nearby pine tree. Everyone comes to an immediate stop and stares up into the tree.

"Damn, I didn't realize someone that short, could jump so high." Billy, cocks his head a bit. "I mean that has got to be some kind of record or something."

"Look a big squirrel in a bright yellow shirt." Barry points up at Brad. "I hope that's not…"

Billy slaps Barry, before he can finish. "Geez but the author needs some new material, she's already used that joke once."

"Oh give the girl a break already." Rebecca is more worried about the band-aides than Brad at the moment.

"How is he gonna get down?" Joseph looks around. "Does anyone have a rope?"

"We could throw rocks at him." Rebecca crosses her arms. "I mean, I really need those band-aides."

Brad whimpers from the tree, holding on for dear life. In fact he turns a pasty shade of white as Alexia gets closer to the tree.

"I could get him down." She says smugly.

"Get who down from where?" Again, Ark is completely oblivious as to what is going on.

"Brad down from the tree." Enrico points up at Brad.

"Who's Brad?" Ark cocks his head, you can almost hear the grinding noises as he tries to think. "Um…do I know you?"

Alexia, finally fed up with this, slaps Ark. Ark stumbles around for a few minutes, then straightens up. The look on his face if far more coherent than usual.

"Hey, I'm Ark." He smiles at Alexia. "Thanks I needed that."

"Anytime." Alexia checks the condition of her nails then turns back to the matter at hand. "As I was saying, I could get him down."

"How?" Sherry asks.

Alexia then bursts in flames and sets tree on fire. Brad, lets out a high girly scream and bails out of the tree, landing on top of poor William. In fact, a loud _pop_ and subsequent _cracking _ sound can be heard as Brad gets shakily to his feet.

"oww" William moans, still laying face down in the dirt.

"Oh that had to hurt." Annette looks anything but sympathetic at her husband's pain.

"Hurry up kids, we're almost there, YEA!" Miss Perky is several yards ahead with Wesker.

"Has anyone seen my stick?"

Everyone shakes their head, truly wishing Sherry had her stick, and return to their happy little hike…

A/N: Can Wesker survive such lethal amounts of unchecked perkiness? Guess you'll have to wait and see…yes I am mean.


	5. When Animals Attack

****

The Campsite

After being subjected to infuriating perkiness from both Miss Perky and our esteemed little Wesker the campers finally arrive at the campsite. Miss Perky then proceeds to pair everyone up with their _tent mates_ and instructs them to erect their shelter. Her choices are met with many moans, groans, and loud out cries. Most of the loud out cries are coming from Billy…

"Brad, hand me that pole." Billy is holding up the edge of the tent.

"Um…it won't bite me or anything will it?" Brad looks ready to pass out at a moment's notice.

"It's frigging steel, not a damn snake!"

Billy's shouting only causes Brad to hit the ground in four seconds flat. Billy rolls his eyes, steps over Brad's unconscious body, and picks up the tent pole. Meanwhile a few feet away Claire and Jill are attempting to get their own tent erected.

"Ok, now we have to put the pole through here." Jill gestures to the tent. "This is really simple you know?"

"Ah Jill, are you sure." Claire eyes the tent, just knowing this whole fiasco isn't going to turn out well. "We already put that other pole through there."

"I'm positive."

Jill shoves the pole through the holes and then holds it up. Instead of a neatly made dome, the tent now looks as flat as a pancake. Claire shakes her head and clucks her tongue at the condition their housing appears to be in.

"Only fools are positive you know."

"Ok, so maybe I was wrong."

"Duh."

While Jill seriously considers hitting Claire over the head with the flattened tent, Rebecca and Sherry are having their own problems.

"I think that's how it goes."

Sherry lifts up the tent which looks like a shrunken plum. At least it's better than Claire and Jill's pancake house. Rebecca kneels down, looking the tent over thoroughly.

"There are holes on the edges, I bet that's for the stakes right?"

"Their aren't any stakes. Maybe the poles go there?"

Meanwhile a few feet away…

"Ok, Barry, hand me the next pole." Ark holds his hand out, waiting patiently.

"But I'm examining it. Hope this isn't…"

But before Barry can finish his thought Billy walks up, slaps him, and then hands Ark the pole he needed.

"Enough, we already know, and we don't want to hear it!"

Billy then shakes his head, steps over unconscious Brad again, and goes back to the matter at hand. You guessed it, just a few feet from this happy, yet violent scene, Wesker and Chris are trying to put up their tent. Well, more accurately Chris is trying to put up the tent, Wesker is busy staring at birdies and humming happy tunes to himself.

"Um…Wesker, we need to finish this."

"OK!"

Chris groans at Wesker's unnatural display of chiperness and turns his attention to the tent. Secretly he's wishing the old Wesker was back, at least he was a bit of fun now and then…

****

Several hours and much swearing later…

The tents are finally up, leaving our poor campers at the mercy of Miss Perky.

"Alright, let's just have a nice exploration of the surrounding area. Make sure you stay with your tent mate and don't get lost. Also, bring back something you find along the way, and we'll talk about it tonight while we roast marshmallows yea!"

Everyone stares blankly as Miss Perky skips off to spread some joy to the surrounding foliage and any unsuspecting forest animals she happens to run across. Most of the campers hope she runs into a bear with PMS and gets eaten. They are wishing for it with all their little hearts. Meanwhile, a bit closer to home, Wesker jumps up and down screaming like a school girl on crack, while going on endlessly about how good marshmallows are.

"What is wrong with him, you'd think that would have worn off by now." Claire is staring at Wesker and trying not to throw up.

"I believe I have a theory." William clears his throat, jotting down several notes about the infected Wesker.

"Ok, Mr. Wizard, what's your theory?"

"The exposure to the perkiness, has awoken deep seated feelings of sensitivity and happiness in young

Albert. However due to the long period of suppression the feelings have taken the dominant role in Albert's psyche."

"Can you repeat that back in English?"

Carlos looks a bit confused, apparently he's not fluent in evil scientist. Actually he's not the only one confused, doesn't look like anyone else knows what the hell William just said either. Even Alexia looks confused and she's an evil scientist as well. Annette sighs deeply and translates.

"It means that the perkiness has caused Albert to actually have normal feelings of happiness. Of course due to his nature of being a total bastard, the feelings have sort of taken over control of the rest of his feelings."

"Interestingly enough this sudden change in his psyche also has some side effects, besides the incessant perkiness that is. Because young Albert has become overly sensitive and happy he is no longer capable of expressing emotions of anger or treacherousness. This also means that he is a…hrmm…what's the word?"

"Dad…err…William, if I understood even half of what you said, I'd help you out."

Sherry glances at Claire, but Claire just shrugs. Seems she has no idea what William said either. Annette shakes her head and translates again.

"William means that because of the perkiness Wesker isn't able to become angry anymore and he is no longer able to be evil." Annette pats her husband on the back. "The word you're looking for is wuss dear."

"No way." Said by everyone present.

"Indeed, observe"

William tucks his notes under one arm and walks to where Wesker is sitting, stepping over Brad in the process. He taps Wesker on the shoulder. As soon as Wesker turns around, William slaps him. Wesker stares at him for a moment or two before breaking down into heart wrenching sobs. Everyone stares at the now bawling Wesker and fantasizes about what kind of revenge they can take on the evil little bastard. Then Chris dampens the mood by asking the one question none of them really want to know the answer to.

"So how long is he going to be this way?"

"Well, taking into account the amount of time he's been repressed and the amount of leaked perkiness he was subjected to, not to mention the strength of the perkiness…" William makes a few notes. "I don't know."

"I guess it's a wait and see thing then." Alexia sighs. "I think I liked him better as a bastard."

"You and me both." Chris mutters, eyeing the still crying Wesker. "He must have been repressed since birth."

"Repressed is an understatement. He's more girly than Steve now." Carlos hooks thumb over his shoulder.

"Watch it." Steve growls poking Carlos in the back with a pointy stick.

"Or what, you'll die on me?" Carlos snaps, getting in Steve's face.

"Now boys." Jill steps between them. "We need to go explore now, before Miss Perky comes back."

Everyone groans, but heads out with tent mate anyway. The prospect of seeing Miss Perky again is enough to force them into the dark and scary woods. Billy grabs Brad by the ankle and drags him out of the campsite, heading for the river. Chris watches everyone move out and finally turns toward Wesker. He shakes his head and pulls Wesker to his feet.

"C'mon Wesker."

"My…_sniffle_…name…_sniffle_…is…_sniffle_…Albert."

"Err…right…Albert. Anyway, we have to go explore now."

"OK!"

Wesker slips instantly back into perky mode, grabs Chris by the wrist, and skips off into the woods. Chris rolls his eyes, barley keeping up.

"Alexia was right, he was better as a bastard…"

****

In the woods…

"Hey Brad, watch out for…"

But Billy's warning comes a bit too late. The pine cone hits Brad square in the head. He let's out a bloodcurdling scream, shattering three windows five miles away, and hides behind Billy's legs. Billy pinches the bridge of his nose, desperately wishing Brad had remained unconscious for the remainder of this stupid campout.

"Please shoot me."

Meanwhile not too far away, Kenneth and Joseph are trying to find something to bring back to camp.

"Hey Kenneth, I found something!" Joseph waves a large branch over his head. "Come take a look!"

"What?" Kenneth walks to where Joseph is kneeling. "I hope it's something cool."

Joseph holds up a stick with a pin cone attached, this does not impress Kenneth. But before he can slap him Joseph is attacked by…

__

…insert creepy music as needed…

…A RABID BUNNY…

Kenneth jumps to his feet as the bunnies converge on poor Joseph, guy just has no luck at all.

"Oh shit…RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!"

Kenneth takes off like…well…a rabbit on crack. He goes speeding by Jill so fast that the only thing she even catches a glimpse of is an after image. Guess we know where Wesker learned if from eh?

"What in the…"

But Jill's question is quickly answered as one of the rabid bunnies hops toward her, frothing at the mouth with eyes so red you'd think the thing had been on a three day drunk. Jill lets out a blood curdling scream, shattering three windows five miles away…I hope the guy that owns that house has good homeowners insurance. But before the bunny can attack, Chris comes to the rescue. He bursts out of the trees, brandishing a sling shot and kills the bunny dead.

"You alright?"

"Where's Claire!" Jill looks around wildly.

"Here!" Claire screams beating an advancing bunny with a sharp stick. "Little help please!"

And so Leon come crashing through the trees, running right over Steve, and kills the bunny with his own slingshot.

"We should head back to camp, it'll be a lot safer."

"Chris!" Wesker grabs Chris by the arm and cowers. "We should head back to camp!"

Apparently he didn't hear a word Leon just shouted.

"I just said that you twit."

Leon smacks Wesker up side the head, which only causes him to break down crying. Chris rolls his eyes, thinking that maybe he should just kill Wesker now and put him out of his misery. After all no one, not even the treacherous- sadistic-evil-betraying-no good-Wesker, deserves to live like this.

"Oh, good going Leon." Steve growls getting to his feet. "And watch where you're going next time idiot!"

"Will you shut up!" Leon spins around, pointing the sling shot at Steve. "Go on, make my day."

__

…remember children, don't try this at home…

"I'll make your day you naive moron!" Steve grabs a pine cone, holding it menacingly under Leon's nose. "Come on you pansy I'll kick your ass!"

Leon stares at the pine cone for a moment, wondering if the little high pitched moron is really serious. However, before he can ponder the matter further Claire slaps them both up side the head.

"Earth to two testosterone addicted morons, rabid bunnies are attacking us. Save your slap fight for a better time."

"Claire's right, let's move!"

With that said, Chris takes off dragging Wesker along behind him like a lost puppy. Leon, Steve, Claire, and Jill are only a step or two behind.

Not to far away from this scene of unspeakable horror we find Ark and Barry, oblivious to the carnage. Barry is examining something while Ark is looking at a few rocks trying to decide which one to take back to camp.

"Maybe…"

Ark sees Kenneth go running by…

"What's…"

Chris and Wesker go running by…

"…going…"

Jill, Claire, Leon, and Steve go running by…

"…on?"

A rabid bunny starts hoping toward him…

"Never mind." Ark drops his rock and grabs Barry by the back of the shirt. "Barry, we got to go!

"But I was examining…"

"Examine later, run now…"

Ark takes off like a shot, dragging Barry behind him. Not to far from them, also oblivious, we find Billy and Brad. For some unknown reason Brad is cowering in a tree. Billy is trying, albeit not too hard, to get him to come down.

"You don't want…"

Billy trails off as Kenneth runs by…

"…me to come…"

Jill, Leon, Claire, and Steve go running by…

"..up…"

Chris, dragging Wesker, and Ark, dragging Barry, go running by…

"…there." Billy spots the advancing bunnies. "Screw this, sit up there if you want to."

Billy takes off, brining up the rear. Brad turns slowly and spots the advancing bunnies. He screams, jumps from the tree, and hits the ground at a dead run. In a matter of seconds he's passed everyone else. Guy should be on the track team. Yup, you guessed it…not too far from them we find Alfred, Alexia, William and Annette. Although they are not quite as oblivious as everyone else, they can hear the screaming.

"I wonder what all the yelling is about?" Alfred picks up the frog, trying to decide if it is worthy enough to accompany him back to camp.

"I do not have a theory at this time." William examines his own frog, taking various notes. He glances up as Brad runs by. "Oh my young Mr. Vickers is fleeing from some manner of thing. Do you think that means that some great catastrophe has befallen the others?".

"Dear, Brad runs from everything. I'm sure there is nothing wrong with the others."

However, Annette is proven wrong when the rest of the group goes charging by.

"Was that Chris holding Albert's hand?" William jots down a few notes about this occurrence. "That is certainly interesting."

"It certainly…" Alfred is cut off in mid-thought when one of the rabid bunnies jumps him and begins nibbling his ear. "AHHH! ALEXIA!"

Alexia drops her squirrel and saunters over. She immediately spots the bunny trying to eat Alfred's ear. She promptly roasts the little bugger, singing her brother in the process.

"There there." She pats him on the head like a good little doggy. "All gone now."

"Thank you oh sweet sister of mine."

While Alfred grovels at his sister's feet, William retrieves the dead bunny. He turns it this way and that, the wheels of his little scientist mind already turning. At this point Annette is the only one paying enough attention to spot the incoming hoard of bunnies.

"Perhaps we should be running as well?"

"I feel that is an adequate action to take at this time." William tucks the bunny into his lab coat.

__

…Translation: Good idea…

"Thank you."

And so the four scientists take off running in much the same way as the everyone else has. Yup, not to far from them we find Enrico, Carlos, Rebecca, and Sherry. At least they've had a bit more warning what with all the screaming going on every five seconds.

"Did you hear something?" Enrico looks up from examining his chipmunk.

"Sounds like screaming or something." Rebecca tucks one of the green herbs under her arm and turns toward the noise. "Think Brad saw a spider or something?"

"Who knows." Sherry picks up a mouse by the tail. "You think Dad…err…William would like this for his experiments?"

"You never kn…"

Carlos looks up in time to see everyone else go running by. Brad in the lead, Chris and Wesker bringing up the rear. All of them being followed by several hundred bunnies. Rebecca and Sherry exchange fearful glances and take off back toward camp, passing Chris and Wesker easily. Carlos looks at Enrico then takes off as well, catching up with Leon and Steve in a matter of seconds. Enrico lets out a high girly scream and quickly follows, bypassing Chris and Wesker as well.

Then the worst possible thing happens, especially since Wesker and Chris are currently bringing up the rear, Wesker trips and falls. Chris contemplates just leaving him at the mercy of the bunnies, but it's just not in his nature. He spins around to grab him, and a bunny zeros in on his throat. Chris throws his arm up as a bunny leaps toward him. Suddenly Wesker jumps to his feet and tackles the bunny, which knocks his sunglasses off.

" I got him!"

Chris stares blankly as Wesker chokes the bunny into unconsciousness.

"He was a tough little bugger." Wesker says perkily, shoving his sunglasses into his back pocket.

"Err…uh…thanks?"

"What are friends for?"

Wesker grins brightly while Chris wears a look of dazed confusion. He quickly snaps out of it as more bunnies head their way. He grabs Wesker by the hand, throws him over his shoulder, and starts running again.

Brad makes it to camp first, really no wonder there. He is quickly followed by everyone else. Miss Perky emerges from her tent, looking as happy as usual.

"Well, what did you find?"

"Bunnies…_huff_…attacking…_puff_…" Brad chokes out.

"Attacking bunnies?" Miss Perky shakes her head, walking into her tent. "Oh dear."

"Um…shouldn't we do something!" Billy glances back and sees bunnies heading toward them at an abnormally fast pace, Brad is currently sitting on his shoulders and crying. "I mean I could throw Brad at them or something."

"Oh yes, it's much safer here." The sarcasm in Steve's voice is thick as he glares at Leon. "I mean you were so right abut the police station too. That's two for two there idiot."

"Shut up you damn puff!" Leon then hits Steve right between the eyes with a rock from his slingshot. "Where's your pine cone now BITCH?"

"Tall, brown hair, Redfield." Jill consults her clipboard, then looks toward Chris. "Chris, do you want to be a S.T.A.R.S. member when you grow up?"

"Jill, not a good time." Chris is slowing backing away with Wesker cowering behind him. "We are about to be bunny food."

"Please just answer the question."

"Yea why?"

Jill throws her clipboard aside, grabs Chris, and kisses him. Three seconds later, she releases him. Unfortunately the only thing the poor boy can do is blush and mumble a few incoherent words. Wesker actually perks up a bit and giggles like a little girl.

"Well, she finally figured it out, better late than never." Claire says. "Especially since never is going to be here in about six hops."

Just then Miss Perky merges from tent, decked out like Rambo.

"Now you children better step back."

Everyone stares at her like she's lost her mind, but move back.

"DIE YOU EVIL HELLSPAWNED BUNNIES!"

Miss Perky then opens up on the bunnies with every piece of heavy artillery she owns send yet she still sounds perky. The campers stare at her with wide eyes and open mouths. Who knew someone so perky could kick ass so efficiently.

"TIME FOR THE ULTIMATE WEAPON! THE HOLY HANDGRENADE!" Miss Perky grabs a grenade from her SWAT vest and pulls the pin. "1...2...4"

"3 m'am." Sherry squeaks.

"3!"

Miss Perky tosses the grenade into the advancing hoard of bunnies, which explodes…pieces of bunny land everywhere…

"Well, than, other than being attacked by some hell spawned bunnies, how did your walk go?"

There is a universal groan, followed by the sound of several people fainting…

OT: Wow, that was close. What horrors will our campers next be subjected to? Find out in our next exciting installment!


	6. Breakfast by Wesker

The Campsite

The sun rises over the mountains, and shines down upon our happy little campsite. The children are still asleep after yesterday's activities. Which included cleaning up all the dead bunnies and bandaging poor Joseph, who somehow managed to survive the ordeal. It's early and apparently Miss Perky is as perky at this time of the morning as she is the rest of the time.

"Wake up! Time to rise and shine, yea!"

Miss Perky then proceeds to run about the camp site, swinging her arms wildly, and beating on the tents to wake the poor sleeping occupants from their beds. The sleeping occupants in question do not seem too keen on getting up this early in the morning, as evidenced by their groggy voices and heated glares at Miss Perky.

Jill is the first to peek her sleepy head out of a tent.

"Do we have to?"

"If we don't she'll just keep running around being perky." Claire yawns loudly, her long hair a tangled mass around her face.

"muffle…muffle…muffle..."

Unfortunately the bought with the rabid bunnies injured poor little Joseph severally. In fact his entire body is covered with bandages, poor guy. I hope Camp Umbrella has a good insurance plan. While Joseph pulls his poor battered, bruised, severely scratched, and rabid bunny bitten body out of his tent, several other campers are voicing their opinion about the early morning rise.

"My, it is much too early." Alexia yawns daintily and pulls herself out of the tent. "Us ladies need our beauty sleep."

"Well, I seriously doubt anyone has ever accused you of being a lady so you might as well just get up."

Alexia stares daggers at Annette and if looks could kill poor little Annette would be nothing more than a greasy spot on the lush green grass that permeates the campsite. After another half an hour of grumbling everyone is finally awake, out of their tents, and ready for more torture from Miss Perky.

"So when's breakfast?" Enrico looks ready to eat the first thing that even remotely appears to be eatable. "I'm hungry."

"Well that's the joy of camping, you get to cook for yourselves." Miss Perky is displaying her usual perkiness by jumping around unnecessarily and waving her arms about in a crazy fashion. "Afterwards you get to go fishing and gather firewood, yea!"

"When is this trip from hell going to be over?" Sherry asks, looking for her stick. "I know I left that damn thing around here somewhere…"

"We had back tomorrow afternoon. Now, on with breakfast…yea!"

She then bounds off to spread some joy to a school of salmon. The campers are still hoping that a man eating bear will show up.

"Great, just great." Jill rubs at her temples, she can feel a migraine coming on. "Can anyone here cook?"

"I can't even boil an egg." Carlos shrugs.

"I am not well versed in the arts of food preparation."

"William, speak English dude." Carlos rolls his eyes. "I mean crap you're like fourteen, what fourteen year old talks like that anyway?"

"He can't cook, and neither can I." Annette says.

"I can examine stuff…"

Everyone rolls their eyes at Barry's complete lack of brains, get used to it folks he's like this for the entire fic. Meanwhile Billy finally emerges from the tent he shares with Brad. Apparently no one noticed he's been absent for the entire food preparation talk. He doesn't look too well either, in fact he looks tired and appears to be developing a nervous twitch.

"I can't cook." Billy then breaks down giggling, creeping everyone out.

"Billy, man, are you alright?" Kenneth pokes him in the arm, trying to get his attention. "You been chewing on the local shrubbery or something?"

"No. Brad kept me up all night." Billy then proceeds to imitate Brad, which only further creeps out the bystanders. "WHAT WAS THAT? I HEARD A NOISE!"

"My, he's a bigger wuss than me or Steve." Alfred says, nodding like an idiot…which he is.

"Speaking of wusses…" Leon looks around. "where's Wes…"

"Albert." Chris yawns a bit, and runs a hand through his hair. "His name is Albert."

While Chris continues with his grooming everyone else stares at him like he's lost his mind. After two minutes of silence Chris finally wakes up to the fact that he's being stared at.

"What?"

Steve narrows his eyes a bit. "What, you two are all buddy, buddy now?"

"Look until he's a bastard again, I figure I may as well be nice to him." Chris shrugs. "What's wrong with that?"

"So where is little Mr. Sensitive?"

With a squealAlbert comes bounding out of the tent he shares with Chris, oozing perkiness like a water hose. Poor bandaged Joseph has to duck in order not to get inadvertently infected.

"Morning!"

"Muffle…muffle…muffle…"

It should be mentioned that Joseph currently has several rolls of bandages wrapped around his face that is hindering his ability to speak. Rebecca quickly translates for him.

"Joseph wants to know if it's just him or does Albert look different?"

"It seems young Albert is without his eye paraphernalia."

"Translation?" Carlos asks, turning toward Annette.

"Albert isn't wearing his sunglasses."

"Well I must say it is an improvement." Alexia is busy buffing her nails. "They were soooo last season."

"Hey Claire, can you cook?"

Jill turns to look at Claire who appears to be spacing out somewhat. In fact it looks like she's staring at Albert like he's some kind of movie star, or at the very least a popular game show host. Jill looks first to Claire, then to Albert, then back to Claire. She rolls her eyes and waves a hand in front of Claire's face.

"Earth to Claire, anyone home?"

"Ummm…I can cook."Albert says a bit shyly.

This statement elicits blank stares from everyone assembled.

"Really?" Enrico looks completely dumbfounded.

Albert nods. " But I'm gonna need some help, since there are so many of us."

"I can help!"

Everyone now turns their astonished faces from Albert to Claire, who is jumping up and down like a fan girl on crack. It should be mentioned that at least two people look ready to hurl and Leon looks a tad bit pissed off.

"Claire, you can't even make toast."

There is a loud _ooff_ sound as Claire's elbow meets Chris' ribs. He's going to have some serous bruising later.

"Thank you Claire. Don't worry, it's not hard."

Wesker and Claire skip of together to prepare a meal while everyone stands around looking on in confusion. Well except Chris, who's checking to see if he has any broken ribs and Leon who is still looking rather pissed off.

30 minutes later…

"I hope you all enjoy it!"

Everyone gaps open mouthed at all the food on the picnic table. There's omelets, bacon, sausage, hash browns, and slightly burnt toast. Bet you can guess who made the toast now can't you?

"WOW! This omelet is great!" Enrico somehow manages to choke out around a mouthful of food.

"Yes it is." Alexia narrows her eyes a bit, glancing at Albert. "You didn't use Spam did you? I cannot dare eat such a provincial food."

"No, you can't used canned ham, it doesn't taste right."

"Nice, and light and fluffy!" Rebecca glances at Joseph who is struggling to eat around the bandages. "How is yours Joseph?"

"muffle…muffle…"

"This is an omelet and it's not Chris's." Barry then digs in as everyone rolls their eyes.

"It's not poisoned is it?" Brad looks at his plate a bit nervously.

"No." Poor Billy still has his nervous twitch and his giggling is getting worse. "But it can be arranged."

"Claire, are you going to eat or stare at Albert all morning?"

Jill smiles wickedly while Claire blushes and quickly takes her seat. While that is happening, William quickly scarfs down his food and heads back to the tent. Sherry glances up narrowing her eyes slightly as William scurries past and disappears into his tent.

"What's he up to?

Annette sighs heavily. "It's hard to say dear."

"Got to admit the little bastard can cook." Steve is on his second omelet.

"I admit nothing." Leon growls glaring at Albert.

Albert is completely unaware of the harsh looks Leon is sending to him from across the table. Evidently he is more concerned with why Carlos and Alfred aren't eating.

"Is something wrong?"

"No nothing, not at all." Carlos says a bit too quickly.

"No." Alfred sounds practically on the verge of tears.

"There's something wrong with it, isn't there?"

Wesker sobs a bit, tears springing to his eyes. Claire attempts to console him while Leon snaps a plastic spork in half with rage. I'm getting the feeling that he's a weeeeeee bit jealous…don't you?

"No really, it looks great, it's just that…." Carlos trails off.

"Just what?" Chris now looks slightly ticked off. "Spill it Carlos, before he starts crying."

"I'm allergic to ham…"

"Alright, that's different." Chris then turns to Alfred. "So what's your problem?"

"I'm a vegetarian."

"Wait just one second." Steve shakes his head, trying to grasp what was just said. "You, the little fluff who's going to run a twisted island of death, are a vegetarian?"

"You sound surprised."

"Well duh!"

"I refuse to slaughter an animal to feed myself. It just doesn't seem right." Alfred shrugs.

"And yet you'll subject people to hideous experiments." Steve rolls his eyes. "Boy you have some serious issues with morals you know that."

"Well, if the ham is the problem, not to worry." Albert grins widely and sets a large platter on the table. "I made pancakes too!"

With the ham disaster averted everyone goes back to having a happy, happy, joy, joy breakfast. With the exception of Leon who has just snapped his third spork in half. However the happy breakfast was soon interrupted by a screaming William.

"NO! IT'S GONE!"

"What the hell is he yelling about?" Sherry snaps, dropping her fork.

"What is the matter dear?" Annette asks as William comes bolting out of his tent.

"IT'S GONE!"

"What's gone?" Ark asks.

"THE BUNNY!"

"What bunny?" Enrico asks.

"THE DEAD BUNNY FROM YESTERDAY I INJECTED WITH AN EXPERIMENTAL VIRUS SO IT WOULD BECOME A FLESH EATING ZOMBIE BUNNY!"

As William takes a deep breath, recovering from that run-on sentence, everyone's eyes drop to their plates. I think you get the idea of just what they are thinking. Leon, however, is the first to voice his suspicions and he does so after jumping to his feet in a rather dramatic way.

"I KNEW WE COULDN'T TRUST HIM!"

"What are you talking about?" Jill looks a bit nervous but is trying to keep her composure.

"Isn't it obvious? This isn't ham…" Leon takes a deep breath and strikes a dramatic pose. "IT'S ZOMBIE BUNNY MEAT!"

And everything goes to hell in a handcart…

Albert breaks down crying. Claire walks over to comfort him. Brad starts freaking out. Billy looks ready to throw up yet strangely comforted by Brad's running around in circles and screaming like a five year old girl. Kenneth is mumbling about zombies. Barry is examining his omelet, wishing it was Chris's. Ark forgot who he is the moment Leon jumped to his feet and is trying to figure out what's going on. Joseph is sobbing on Rebecca's shoulder. Annette is staring at her husband like she'd like to kill him. Sherry staring at her parents, like she wants to be suddenly disowned. Rebecca is patting Joseph's head and shaking her own. Alexia is patting her face to make sure it's still in one piece. Steve is formulating a nice death for Albert. Enrico is mumbling something about traitors. William is estimating how long it will take before they all turn into flesh crazed zombies. Jill is staring at Claire comforting Wesker. Carlos and Alfred are glad they didn't eat the omelet and are wondering if Miss Perky has another holy hand grenade at her disposal.

It is Chris who finally breaks the awkward silence by jumping to his feet and screaming.

"What proof do you have!"

"Well, there's a dead bunny missing and your little friend made a meat omelet." Leon appears to think for a moment. "Oh and the fact that he's a treacherous bastard helps!"

"That is not enough proof!" Chris snaps back.

"I'm right and you know it, it was an act all the time!" Leon is really getting into to this accusing thing now. "You've been suckered in by the dark side, you've allied yourself with evil! You…your…your…a TRAITOR!"

3...2...1...

"That's it! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!"

Chris makes a dive for Leon, but is hastily restrained by Steve and Carlos. Suddenly a plastic wrapper flies through the air and hits Leon in the head. Jill leans over to try and read the label hanging off of Leon's head while Chris screams various obscenities and continues to try and kill Leon. I should probably mention that Enrico, Kenneth, and Joseph have now joinedSteve and Carlos in restraining him.

"Cure 81 spiral cut ham."

All eyes now turn toward Leon…they are not happy eyes either…

"I ah…well…that is…" Leon looks around nervously. "Opps?"

"And the empty headed R.P.D. officer strikes again." Steve rolls his eyes. "So where is the bunny?"

3...2...1...

Brad girly screams and jumps into Billy's arms. "IT'S TRYING TO EAT ME!"

Billy looks down and sees a bunny nibbling on Brad's shoe. "Hey William, found your bunny."

"Thank goodness." William scoops up the bunny and heads back toward the tent. "Poor little scamp was hungry."

Brad continues to scream and Billy finally just drops him. He then cowers under the table, holding on to Chris' legs. Which is probably a good thing considering Chris still wants to kill Leon. Jill sighs and starts picking up plates.

"Guess we'd better get this cleaned up and go fishing an whatnot before Miss Perky thinks of something else for us to do."

Steve and Carlos quickly drag a still cursing Chris, with Brad still attached to his legs, off to help wash dishes. Everyone else heads off in different directions to started cleaning up and gather the crap they'll need to go fishing with. Leon is the only one still left at the table…sulking I might add.

"I'll get you yet… _Albert_. If won't let that idiot Steve have my lovely Claire, than I certainly won't allow you to try and take her…BWHAHAHAHA."

You know I think I should mention that despite sounding coolly evil…Leon still has the plastic covering for the ham draped on his head. It just sort of ruins the whole evil mastermind persona he's going for…

* * *

A/N: I apologize for the long wait on this chapter. I'll try to do better. Oh my what is going to happen on that fishing trip? Well if you read this before it got deleted for being in script form you have a pretty fair idea… : P 


	7. Losing Love and Finding Nemmy

And so our intrepid little campers set off to do a bit of fishing. In all honesty they were just hoping they wouldn't run into Miss Perky while they were out. Although I suppose a few of the bravercampers were kind of hoping they would run into her. I guess they had some kind of murderess plot in mind or something to that affect.

Anyway…

Down at the river we find Rebecca, Sherry, Joseph, and Jill fishing…

"No, I don't think so Joseph." Rebecca shakes her head. "I really don't think that is possible."

"Muffle…muffle…muffle…"

"No, really, 5 oz bird cannot carry a 1 pd coconut."

"Muffle…muffle…muffle…"

"Well yes, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow that's my point."

Jill leans over and whispers to Sherry. "What are they talking about?"

"No clue, it all started over a coconut…I think." Sherry whispers back, staring at Rebecca and Joseph like they've lost their minds.

Rebecca tilts her head a bit, thinking. "But of course African swallows are non migratory…"

Jill looks at Sherry and they both inch away from the two seemingly insane people…

Meanwhile a bit further down stream we find Albert, Claire, Steve, Chris, and Leon. Albert and Claire are walking hand in hand just ahead of everyone else. Despite the fact that Albert is Chris' sworn enemy, Chris does not seem too unhappy with the arrangement at this time. Perhaps he is still pissed at Leon about the _traitor_ comment earlier at breakfast. Steve also doesn't seem to concerned but this is probably due to the fact, given Albert's present temperament, that he could at any time beat the hell out of Albert. Leon, well…Leon is still in _Evil Mastermind_ mode, even if he is really bad at it.

"Here Claire, let me help you with that." Albert smiles brightly and takes Claire's fishing rod for her.

"Oh thank you Albie." Claire smiles back and gives Albert a little peck on the cheek. "You're so nice."

Behind them we hear the very loud crack of a fishing pole being snapped in half. I suppose we can now add a fishing rod to the list of seven sporks Leon has thus far destroyed.I'm not an expert but I'm pretty sure the murderess glare that Leon is sending Albert's way is not a good thing.

"I'll get you, you blonde perky headed little moron." Leon is turning seven shades of red and is currently bending a large branch in a completely unnatural way. "Just you wait, I'll have my revenge."

"Talking to oneself is the first sign of losing your mind." Steve smirks at Leon's discomfort. "Then again this is _you_ we are talking about, you didn't have much to start with."

Leon is completely ignoring Steve. "Oh yes, I'll do horrible things to you perky boy. BWAHAHAHAHAHA…"

Steve, seeing this as an opportunity to take revenge of his own, smacks Leon in the head with his fishing pole. Although this does not seem to slow Leon's maniacal, if somewhat immature, laughter it does elicit a response from Chris.

"Steve I don't think that is going to work on."

Steve opens his mouth to tell Chris that despite having very little, if any, effect on Leon it's still fun to slap him around. But before he can say this Leon spins around and stares at Chris like he's lost his mind. Of course at this point I'm pretty sure it's Leon whose lost his mind.

"How can you stand it, he's hitting on your sister!" Leon now starts to hyperventilate. "You really have gone to the dark side!"

There is exactly two minutes of silence…then the screaming starts. I should perhaps mention the screaming is from Leon as Chris proceeds to beat the shit out of him, while Steve, Claire and Albert watch. After reducing Leon to a bruised and bloody pile of future cop/government agent the others move on toward the river…

Nearby in the tree line we find Billy engaging in some mindless violence of his own. The violence being that he is currently trying to choke Brad to death. This particular scene of violence is freaking out everyone else in the general vicinity because Billy is giggling like a school girl and shouting various things that make little to no sense.

"Die you little gnome of stupidity! May a large tenticled creature slam a tentacle through your head!"

Alfred just sort of stares. "And I thought I was strange."

"All great minds perceive themselves as not being normal." William nods, inspecting some nearby herbs. "That is simply the result of thinking outside the box."

"What did he say?" Carlos looks confused, but Annette quickly translates.

"Smart people are looked at as being weird, because of their ideas."

"Oh is that what he said? I thought it was some foreign language or something."

"Inferior subjects, such as yourself would think that." Alexia flips a bit of hair out of her face, looking smug.

Carlos glances at Annette. "I think I've just been insulted."

"You think right."

"Hey…I'M ARK!"

Enrico just rolls his eyes. "You finally got your memory back."

Barry waves at the others near the mouth of a large cave. " Hey I found something and I don't think it's Chris'."

Nemesis peeks out of the cave, he too is a child. This causes the entire little group to come to a dead halt, it also causes Billy to release Brad from the chokehold. They all stare as Nemmy climbs out of the cave, wearing a pair of shorts and a purple tee shirt. He looks at everyone then proclaims in a high squeaky voice…

"starrsss…"

"AHHHHHHH!"

Brad is now running around in circles, obviously screaming, and waving his arms around wildly. Although I have to admit that he does in fact have good reason to flip out this time. Nemmy watches this display for several seconds, his head tilted to one side, looking confused.

"starrsss?" Nemmy then realizes just who Brad is. "starrsss!"

Brad continues to run around still screaming as Nemmy's little hamster wheel of a brain slowly turns. Finally Nemmy remembers what he is supposed to do and runs toward Brad. Brad immediately runs to Billy and cowers behind him.

"You want him, he's yours."

Billy steps aside so Nemesis can get to Brad. Brad, in turn, runs off screaming into the woods. Nemmy gives chase screaming, in that high pitched voice. Billy appears pleased with himself and hums a little tune. Everyone else stares at him, if this were a comic book they'd be sweat-dropping right now…

_Meanwhile..._

Back with Rebecca and the gang things do not appear to have changed that much, except for the topic of conversation that is. They've moved from coconuts to ducks…

"So if it weighs the same as a duck, then it must be a witch."

"Muffle…muffle…muffle…"

"Of course the world isn't banana shaped."

Jill whispers. "Ok, I'm officially creeped out now."

Sherry whispers "You aren't the only one."

Meanwhile…

"Here, let me assist you." Albert teeters on a rock in the middle of the river, assisting Claire across said river. "Be careful you don't get wet."

"You worry so much…"

Claire starts to step to the rock Albert is standing on when she spots Brad running through the woods, heading straight for them.

"Albie look out!"

Unfortunately the warning came too late. Brad hits the rocks at a dead run, pushes past Claire, and knocks Albert into the water. Just behind him Nemmy goes running past Claire and the now drowning Albert.

"Chris! Albert is in trouble!" Forest yells, making his first appearance since chapter three. "You have to heroically save him!

"Where'd he come from? I thought we left him behind in chapter three."

Claire looks slightly confused as does most of the readers I would wager. Steve just shrugs, figuring it's just one of those mysteries of life. Meanwhile Albert is still drowning. Taking Forest's advice Chris dives in pulling a very damp Albert out of the water.

"You alright Albert?"

"Let go of me Redfield!" Albert shrugs off Chris' hand, looking pissed. "And that's Wesker to you, you insolent fool!"

"Albie?"

Claire breaks down crying now that she realizes treacherous bastard is back. This angers Chris, I mean what did you expect?

"YOU HURT MY SISTER!"

Chris attacks Wesker. Everyone else just sort of watches from the sidelines.

"That should be 68." Steve mentally ticks off the fights. "Yea, 68 sounds right."

Suddenly Leon regains consciousness and dives into the fray. Several obscenities are exchanged, mostly coming from Chris due to Leon's need to interfere in a fight between him and Wesker. Then in a feat so stupid that it simply defies reason…Leon decks Chris, knocking him back into the rock. He then turns his attention to Wesker. Meanwhile Steve and Forest fish Chris out of the water while Claire continues to cry.

"Do you think he realizes that Wesker is back to normal?" Steve gives Chris a yank, pulling him back to shore.

"Probably not." Chris has one hand covering his now swelling right eye, thanks to Leon. "Should be fun to watch though…"

And indeed it is rather funny to watch, as Wesker is currently beating Leon senseless. The final insult happens when Wesker cracks Leon in the head with a rock. Leon grins stupidly for a moment then sort of sinks into the water, little bubbles popping on the surface of the water.

"That should teach you not to mess with me, pretty boy!"

"You…you…" Claire turns several shades of red and stomps toward Wesker. "YOU HURT MY LEON!"

"Well that was a quick switch." Forest pulls Leon out of the water by the scruff of his shirt. "Wasn't she in love with Wesker about twenty seconds ago?"

"Yea." Chris shook his head at the unconscious Leon. "By the way, where have you been?"

"Around, the author forgot about me."

"Damn, that sucks."

"Very much."

Meanwhile the confrontation on the rock is becoming more serious.

"What you gonna do about it?" Wesker crosses his arms, looking smug.

Claire grins and pulls out Wesker's Mickey Mouse sunglasses. "Maybe I'll just drop these in the river!"

"YOU WOULDN'T DARE!" Wesker is now panicking.

"WANNA BET!" Claire drops the sunglasses. "Ooops…"

Wesker dives into the water after them. Forest just shakes his head.

"I wonder how long he can hold his breath?"

Meanwhile…

"That wasn't very nice Billy." Annette shakes her head, clucking her tongue. "Not nice at all."

"Though I have been considered evil by some, I must concur."

"What'd he say?" Carlos looks toward Annette but Alfred answers first.

"He agrees with Annette."

"Oh."

"Well, I hope…that's…all…" Enrico trails off, staring at a man in an R.P.D. uniform walking by with a plumber and a doctor. "Who the hell are they!

"Outbreak people." Alexia mumbled, flipping a piece of hair out of her face.

George the doctor. "I have the rooster key."

Kevin, the cop, holding a crest. "Listen, we can't worry about that now. We need to figure out this crest."

David the plumber. "I have a crank."

Kevin. "We're not cranking anything. Shut up about your !&$( crank. Does anyone have a jewel? This hole is octogo. Ogiganeel. It's octa…It's got eight sides."

David. "Maybe my crank goes in there. It has eight…"

Kevin. "!&$( You can't crank the crest. Alright? It's un-crankable."

George. "I have a rooster key."

Kevin. "Oh great! If we come across any chicken doors, I'll let you know."

Everyone assembled stared as the little group moved off through the brush. They then glanced around and hurried off lest some other strange people show up…

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed. BTW the little joke about the Outbreak people is from a comic strip called 'Penny Arcade' good stuff you should like read it. I also ripped off more of Monty Python and the Holy Grail...why? Cause Monty Python rocks!


	8. Forest Tales

A/N: I apologize for taking so long on this chapter, I kinda forgot about Camp Umbrella for a bit. Work on my web site has been taking up a lot of my time.

* * *

Jill and Sherry sit around the campfire, with Joseph and Rebecca. No one else has gotten back from fishing and firewood gathering yet.

"What do you think is taking them so long?" Rebecca asks, roasting a marshmallow. "I certainly hope nothing serous has happened."

Sherry shrugs. "Who knows. But it is rather peaceful with everyone gone."

The peace Sherry was just talking about is shattered as Brad comes crashing through the trees screaming at the top of his lungs. He glances at the three girls and Joseph before taking refuge behind Jill.

"IT'S GONNA EAT ME!"

"What in the world are…."

But Jill's barely formed question is answered as Nemmy comes crashing into the campsite squeaking his usual mantra of _starrrrsss _in a high pitched voice. Brad screams even louder, curls up in a tight little ball behind Jill, and proceeds to suck his thumb. Nemmy spots his prey and stomps over.

"starrrrsss…"

Jill eyes Nemmy for a moment then picks up a rolled up magazine and bops him on the head with it.

"Bad Nemmy, bad! Brad is not for eating!" She stops, thinking for a second. "Well, not for a while anyway."

"STARRRSSS!"

Nemmy stomps his foot, looking like a petulant child. A very ugly, very scary, petulant child. Jill isn't having any of it. She shakes the magazine in his face and points to the empty spot on the log by Joseph.

"I said no and I meant no, now sit down!"

Nemmy sits down next to Joseph, pouting. Joseph pats him on the back and hands him a marshmallow and a stick. Jill sighs and starts to sit down when Brad suddenly grabs her around the ankles and proceeds to kiss her feet.

"Oh thank you Jill! You're my goddess, my hero, my…"

"Cool it Brad." Jill says, trying to get him off her feet. "Just sit there and…"

Billy, Kenneth, Barry, and Enrico walk into camp, carrying loads of firewood. The sight of Billy causes Brad to release his hold on Jill, jump to his feet, and begin running.

"Billy!"

"Ahh! No!" Billy stumbles backwards a mixture of surprise and horror on his face. "Heel, sit…ooooffff!"

Brad knocks Billy over, scattering his arm load of firewood. They both hit the ground with Brad sitting on Billy's stomach.

"Nemesis tried to eat me, but Jill saved me!"

"Greeeaaat, good for her." Billy glares at Jill, sounding anything but happy to see Brad still alive. "Isn't she just sooooo helpful."

"You have to protect me, he could try to eat me again in the middle of the night!" Brad whines, glancing back at Nemmy. "I'll pay you!"

"You make that sound like it's a bad thing. Besides, there isn't anything you could offer me that would get me

to protect you. Not a thing in this world is worth…"

Brad grabs Billy by the front of the shirt jerking his head up, so they are eye to eye. Billy is a bit surprised by the act of actual physical violence, though subdued violence it may be.

"I can arrange it so the Bravo Team's helicopter malfunctions and has to land near a train in the middle of the Raccoon Forest. Thereby causing Rebecca to become stranded alone with you for an entire night."

"Just call me Fido, your loyal watch dog."

"Well that's one RE mystery solved." Kenneth rolls his eyes as Billy practically grovels at Brad's feet. "Where's everyone else?"

"I thought they were with you?" Jill says.

While Barry drops a load wood on top of Enrico's pile, then examines it, Enrico goes on to explain just where the rest of the group may be.

"William went running after some local wildlife. Annette and Alexia were in the middle of a slap fight, when we left. Carlos was sitting there watching. I'm not precisely sure where Chris, Claire, Albert, Leon, and Steve went. I saw them heading toward the river just after breakfast though."

"That figures. What about Ark?"

"He was wandering around picking berries and mumbling to himself the last time I saw him." Billy mumbles, trying to walk with Brad clinging to his waist. "So it's anyone's guess where he might have wandered off to."

Ark stumbles into camp seconds later, covered in burrs, dirt, and dead leaves. He looks like death warmed over. He stumbles over to the rest of the group, plopping down next to Nemmy.

"You wouldn't believe what happened to me."

"Oh yes we would." Sherry mumbles. "Knowing the evil authoress such as we do."

"I was picking blueberries, minding my own business." Ark drops a few burs he pulled out of his hair to the ground. "When Steve came running by."

"Muffle….muffle….muffle…"

"I don't think he's done talking yet." Rebecca whispers.

"So Steve comes running by, screaming like a five year old girl, and runs right past me, knocking me into a ravine. It took me THREE HOURS to get back to the top."

"No wonder you look like hell." Kenneth sits next to Ark, grabbing a marshmallow. "And are covered with burs."

"But that isn't the end, oh no. So I finally climb back to the top of the ravine, and here comes

William…_smack_!" Ark slaps his hands together for emphasis. "Back down to the bottom of the ravine and now I can't remember who I am."

"Muffle…muffle…muffle…" Joseph points at Ark's head several times. "Muffle."

"Joseph's right." Rebecca nods toward Joseph then looks back at Ark. "You obviously got your memory back."

"Oh yea, after it took me two hours to climb back out of the ravine. So I get back to the top, and this blonde guy

with a bad southern accent shows up, calls himself Bruce. So he says he's looking for some dude named Morpheus, and asks me if I've seen him. So I ask what he looks like. Bruce says, _Well he's about 6'1" with long white hair. Kinda looks like a Final Fantasy reject but without the kool clothes._"

"Sounds kind of cute."

Everyone turns and stares at Sherry for several seconds.

"What?"

Jill just shakes her head. "So then what happened?"

"So then this Chinese chick, calling herself Fong Ling, pops up from out of nowhere and does this matrix style kick and knocks me and old Bruce over the embankment, and back into the ravine. Which is how I got my memory back. So who else is down there, but the Sephiroth fan-boy himself, Morpheus. So Bruce takes off after him, while I climb back up the embankment. This time I made sure the coast was clear before I hightailed my little amnesiac ass back here."

"So William is chasing Steve. Annette and Alexia are fighting, while Carlos watches. That only leaves Chris, Claire, Leon , and Al…."

Jill trails off, she seems to does a lot of that around here, as Wesker comes storming into camp soaking wet.

"Damn woman, throw my sunglasses in the river will she? I'll get her for that, her and that disgustingly all American brother of hers!"

Wesker mumbles a few more things about mindless heroes before stomping over to campfire and sitting down. Brad huddles closer to Billy, whimpering as Wesker glares at everyone present. Sherry sighs, popping a marshmallow in her mouth.

"Well, I see Wesker is back to his old self."

"Muffle…muffle…muffle…"

Rebecca nods. "I'm not sure it's an improvement either. Too bad he can't find a happy medium."

"What is everyone staring at!" Wesker snaps. "Well!"

Barry pokes Wesker with a stick.

"A drowned rat?"

"If I didn't need to keep you alive…I'd kill you!"

Wesker jumps up and stomps off towards his tent. Everyone just sighs, shakes their heads, and goes back to roasting marshmallows. About five minutes later Chris emerges out of the trees with Forest. Forest smiles and waves at the group.

"Hey guys."

"Dude I ain't seen you since Chapter 2!" Enrico yells, scooting over so Forest can sit down. "Where the hell you been?"

"W.C. forgot about me."

In a flash of awesome looking black smoke W.C. appears on the scene, dressed like Alexia. Brad screams and grabs Billy's arm. She coughs a few times, waving a hand in front of her face to clear out the smoke, and finally clears her throat.

"Yea, sorry about that Forest, lost my notes."

"No worries." Forest holds out bag of marshmallows. "Want one?"

"Sorry gotta run, things to do, characters to torture, you know how it is. Catch ya later!"

As W.C. disappears in another impressive display of black smoke, Brad faints. Billy just rolls his eyes and hands Chris a marshmallow as he sits down to Billy's right.

"Man I'm glad Wesker is back. Albert was getting on my nerves."

Everyone stares at Chris blankly. Chris looks around, then shrugs.

"What?"

Wasn't it you who said and I quote…" Enrico clears his throat. "_Look, until he's a bastard again, I figure I may as well be nice to him_."

"So, that doesn't mean I didn't find him incredibly annoying."

"How's Claire taking it?"

Chris doesn't say a word, just flips his hand toward trees. Claire and Leon emerge a moment later, the former is fussing over the latter, who has a rag held to his head. Rebecca slides closer to Joseph so the two of them can sit down.

"What happened to him?"

Just as Claire opens her moth to explain, Wesker emerges from tent in dry cloths and a brand new pair of Spongebob sunglasses. No one is sure if Spongebob is an improvement over Mickey Mouse or not.

"I beat his little pretty boy ass up, that's what happened!"

Wesker then proceeds to fall into a fit of evil, is somewhat high pitched, laughter. Claire narrows her eyes and throws a large piece of firewood at Wesker, hitting him in the head and knocking him unconscious.

"Shut up you arrogant bastard!"

Sherry blinked several times shaking her head.

"She certainly switched sides quickly enough."

Jill nods. "You're telling me. Wonder how Steve the fluff is gonna feel about this?"

"I have no clue where Steve is." Chris pops a marshmallow in his mouth. "Last time I seen him, he was bugging William."

"You know, I was just wondering where Alfred is." Forest looks around. "Has anyone seen him?"

"I haven't." Billy shook his head, spearing three marshmallows on his stick. "Not since just before we saw those outbreak people."

Suddenly Alfred runs screaming into camp, followed closely by two young children. He takes three seconds to look for shelter before spotting Chris. He girly screams as the two kids get closer and dives behind Chris.

"Save me!"

"From what?"

Alfred reaches up and turns Chris' head toward to the two children smiling and bouncing their way into camp.

"Them…" Alfred moans in an ominous, yet rather high pitched voice.

"Who are they?"

"Gun Survivor people."

Everyone shudders as an ominous scare cord is heard somewhere off in the forest. This is quickly followed by a very rustic rendition of dueling banjos. The dueling banjos turns into Stairway to Heaven, then Freebird, and finally trails of with End of Heartache by Killswitch Engage. The campers look at each other and finally shrug.

"Hey wait." Ark tilts his head, narrowing his eyes. "I'm a gun survivor person."

"Yea." Jill shudders again. "But your voice acting isn't as annoying as theirs."

Enrico nods in agreement. "She has a point."

"Muffle….muffle."

Leon glances at Rebecca, still trying to stop the blood seepage from his head.

"What'd he say?"

"He wants to know how we get rid of them."

Chris glances toward Wesker's unconscious form and grins rather evilly. Not a pretty sight on our hero I must say. He waves towards the two kids, then points at Wesker.

"Look kids, its…ah…Ark! Sick him…"

Lilly and Rott run over and pounce on Wesker. Wesker snaps awake as Lilly grabs a handful of his hair and jerks his head up. He screams and runs into the brush the kids right behind him. The children's really bad English accents, and Wesker's panicked voice, can be heard as they retreat farther into the forest.

"Wait Mister, you have to save my brother!"

"Hey, you're the detective!"

"Get away from me you evil little gnomes of destruction!"

"Oh man." Ark shakes his head, but he's smiling. "That was cold, but effective."

Chris grins. "I thought so."

"I almost feel sorry for old Wesker, no one deserves to be chased by those two. They're more annoying than

me." Alfred stands up and sits down by Leon. "Has anyone seen my sister?"

Alexia saunters out of the forest, with Annette and Carlos.

"Man that was great!" Carlos looks at Annette grinning broadly. "You two are awesome!"

"Well, now you know how to disable an opponent with only a ball of string and a lighter."

As everyone stares at them, Alfred jumps out of his seat and grabs Alexia around the waist. He then proceeds to cry loudly.

"Oh Alexia it was horrible! I was being chase by two annoying children, with horrific voice acting, and bad fashion sense."

"There, there Alffie, the bad children are gone." Alexia pats Alfred on the head.

"So that's what Wesker was running from." Annette sits down next to Leon, grabbing an uncooked marshmallow and popping it in her mouth. "I was wondering what he meant when he said…_Pint sized bringers of pain and suffering_…as he ran by."

Enrico stares at Annette. "I thought you and Alexia were fighting."

"Oh goodness no, I might break a nail." Alexia looks horrified. "We were merely showing Carlos some self defense skills."

"Man, those two chicks kick ass dude!" Carlos flops down next to Brad. "I mean I didn't know you could kill someone with a piece of lint."

As Carlos goes on to explain how this incredible act is pulled off, Brad finally regains consciousness. Billy grabs him by the back of the shirt and pulls him back into a sitting position on the log.

"Welcome back Brad, you missed the gun survivor kids."

Brad turns a pasty shade of white and faints again. Billy just shakes his head as Brad's limp body falls off the log once again.

"I guess that only leaves Steve and William."

"Where is my genius husband?"

Leon looks around, or tries to while Rebecca tries to clean up his head wound.

"Yea, where is Steve the Wonder Fluff anyway?"

Steve runs screaming out of the tree line. Forest tilts his head.

"He's the third person to make an entrance like that."

Jill sighs. "It does seem to be a trend."

"HELP! PURPLE RABID ZOMBIE CHIPMUNK!"

Chris. "Purple…"

Leon "…rabid…"

Barry "…zombie…"

Billy "…chipmunk?"

"Oh dear, I believe my William has been experimenting again." Annette sighs.

Steve jumps over the fire and hides behind, of all people, Leon. This causes everyone to display confused looks on their faces. Leon stares at a purple chipmunk that's just leapt out of the trees into the clearing.

"Don't be expecting me to save you!"

Steve glances up at Leon.

"I'm not I'm hoping the evil little creature will eat you and choke to death."

Leon grabs Steve by the throat and attempts to throttle him. While Leon does that, William comes running into camp.

"Oh there you are Albert."

William scoops up the chipmunk, smiling. The other campers stare at him like he lost his mind. Chris is the first to voice his opinion.

"Albert?"

"He appears to have the same temperament as our esteemed friend Mr. Wesker. Therefore I theorized that he would be well named, by christening him Albert. I didn't feel Wesker suited the young fellow very well."

Jill goes slightly cross-eyed. "What did he say?"

"The chipmunk has a bad attitude like Wesker. So William figured it was a good idea to name him Albert, because just plain Wesker didn't sound right."

Annette smiles. "Oh Carlos, very good. You're learning to speak _evil genius _very well."

"Where is young Mr. Wesker?" William stuffs the chipmunk into tent with the bunny. "I expected him to be here perhaps engaging in some more of his ill-fated perkiness."

"Running from some kids."

"Hmmm…interesting." William jots down some notes.

Wesker bursts back into camp, looking winded and slightly bedraggled. Apparently those Gun Survivor children are very persistent.

"REDFIELD!"

"Oh man he looks pissed." Leon says.

Wesker then jumps Chris.

"Muffle…muffle…"

"I'll ask." Rebecca finishes the bandages on Leon and turns to Birkin. "William what's the count up to now?"

"Well, even with the brief respite, when Albert was affected by…"

"Short answer, please."

"69."

Suddenly Miss Perky bounds onto the scene. It should be mentioned all the poor forest animals she's been torturing the past couple of hours are rejoicing at the thought of her annoying someone else.

"Alright children time for spooky ghost stories, yea!"

Everyone groans while Chris and Wesker roll around in the dirt.

* * *

A/N: Oh yes, it's time for ghost stories. Will Brad keel over from fright? Will Wesker and Chris break up their fight long enough to tell a story? What could possibly scare Alexia? And what is that creepy noise heard in the forest? All these questions and more will be answered in Chapter 9.

BTW the bit about the dueling banjos comes from the movie **_Deliverance_**. I sort of ripped it off and twisted it around. Hope you liked!


	9. Ghost Stories

After several minutes of rolling around on the ground, Jill and Claire were finally able to break up the fight and get Wesker and Chris back to their respective seats. Brad was having a total freak out, and the stories hadn't even started yet. Despite his earlier promise, Billy was serous considering feeding him to Nemesis.

"Alright, who wants to go first…yea?"

Miss Perky looks over the assembled campers, who are doing their best not to make eye contact with her. Without losing an centimeter of perkiness she plunges on.

"Ok then. How about this, we'll go around and say what we're all afraid of first, yea! Claire, you go first."

"Uh…yea…sure. I'm afraid of spiders."

"Alligators and being portrayed badly in a game boy color game." Leon shudders a bit.

"Hmm…" Chris finally shrugs. "Rats I guess."

"Blonde haired Russians with bad accents, and of course a grown up Nemmy." Jill smiles sweetly.

"Crows. Giant, black, man eating crows." Forest shudders.

"Umm…Wesker?" Barry says, grinning like an idiot.

"Good answer." Wesker grins evilly. "I fear nothing."

"Yea right." Chris rolls his eyes.

"What did you say Redfield!" Wesker snapped, jumping to his feet. "Come on say it again!"

Chris imitates Wesker. "_I fear nothing. _Is that why you ran from Alexia like a scared little bitch?"

Wesker winces. "That was not fear. It was a tactical move, you insolent fool!"

"Hey man, it's your story, you tell it however you want."

Wesker glares evilly at Chris while Chris laughs at Wesker's pain. Those two just get along ever so well.

"starrrrsss…"

Everyone just stares blankly at Nemmy for several seconds before moving the sharing onto William.

"I fear only that which could take the G-Virus away from me."

"I guess that would be the U.B.C.S. guys then huh?" Carlos says.

"I doubt that, as they were unsuccessful in their attempt."

"Wait, didn't Hunk get away with a sample?" Leon thinks for a moment. "I'm pretty sure he did anyway."

"Ya, he did." Claire nods in agreement. "He was the fourth survivor in RE 2."

"A minor oversight."

"Hey, you're afraid of the U.B.C.S. guys, but not Claire and Leon, who roast you alive on a train?" Carlos does not look convinced. "That is such a lie."

William looks a bit uncomfortable. "Very well, I do have a slight phobia concerning trains."

"I fear spies with bad fashion sense." Annette mumbles. "I mean really, black leggings with a mini dress?"

"I'm afraid of…uh…Nemesis…I…guess." Carlos mutters.

"I fear being left to die in a police station by uncaring parents." Sherry glares at her two parents. "Oh, and being infected by my father with a little snaky thing."

"I'm afraid of small children with bad English accents." Ark whispers, looking around.

"I'm afraid of zombies." Kenneth mutters.

"Muffle…muffle."

"What did he say?" The campers say in unison.

Rebecca sighs. "He said he's afraid of dogs. I'm afraid of leeches."

"Giant T-Virus enhanced monkeys and frogs." Billy sighs as Brad grabs his arm.

"I'm afraid of everything." Brad squeaks, looking around wildly.

"Wow, we'd never notice." Enrico said, rather sarcastically. "I'm afraid of dying in a dark dank tunnel."

"I'm afraid of becoming a monster." Steve says looking forlorn.

Leon rolls his eyes, mumbling. "Oh yes, and everyone was sooooo sad that happened."

"I'm afraid that my sister will someday leave me, and I'll lose my mind." Alfred squeaks, hugging Alexia.

"Guess you're last then Alexia." Chris mutters ignoring how close Alfred is to him. "What are you afraid of?"

"I fear nothing."

Everyone stares at her not looking convinced. Alexia shifts uncomfortably and finally clears her throat.

"chickens."

Everyone stars at Alexia with befuddled looks, trying to figure out why someone as powerful as Alexia would be afraid of chickens. Wesker bursts out laughing.

"Chickens! That is so lame!"

"Yes Chickens!" Alexia now looks more than slightly upset. "Have you ever been chased by a chicken! Well, I have! Evil little feathered creatures. They even eat ants! Ants I say! My precious ants…"

Everyone tunes her out as she starts going on a tangent about her precious ants, and preparations of a new virus.

"Alright! Now, who wants to tell the first story?"

"Wait a minute." Jill holds up her hand, stopping Miss Perky. "We told you what we were afraid of, now it's your turn."

"The blood, that's what I'm afraid of. Yes…" Miss Perky stares at her hands, looking unusually dark and brooding. "it never comes off, you see. No matter how many times I wash them. And the faces, oh yes the faces of those I have damned…I see them…"

Brad whimpers loudly and takes refuge behind Billy. Everyone else appear confused and somewhat nervous All of them will be sleeping with various weapons in their sleeping bags tonight. Chris finally laughs nervously.

"Ah…well, thank you for sharing. Who wants to tell the first story?"

After several; arguments and two slap fights, the group finally has a rousing game of Paper/Rock/Scissors…

"Alright William you go first."

"Yes well. Long ago, before there were electronically devices, there was a man, a lord. He had supreme power over all the land. But like so many men, he bowed before only one person. A beautiful and tempting young woman, named Alicia. He adored this female, and kept her memory close to his heart. Shortly before they were to be wed, the young lord left his kingdom, to fight. Leaving his betrothed alone and awaiting his return. He fought valiantly, and many of his enemies were left with their heads impaled on the end of a pike. Unfortunately news was relayed to his beloved that he had been killed. Who or even why this news was delivered to the beautiful young woman has been lost to history. But Alicia was so bereaved over the loss of her one love, that she flung herself out of the tallest tower of the castle, and into the moat below. When the lord returned, he found her body lying in the chapel wet and cold. The priests refused to give her a Christian burial, as she had committed suicide…"

Jill whispers to Chris. "Doesn't this sound like the movie version of Dracula?"

"I was wondering why it was familiar." Chris whispers back. "Except I think he screwed up the chick's name."

"Leave it to William to tell a story, _no one, _is gonna be afraid of."

Brad is whimpering loudly and clutching Billy's arm.

Some time later…

"And thus the great vampire was vanquished. Mina left the land of the Vampire, returning to her husband. The End."

"Alright! That was great!" Miss Perky shouts with her usual enthusiasm. "Wesker! Your turn…yea!"

Everyone is startled awake by her screaming, except Brad whose been huddling close to Billy since the story started.

"Very well, if I must degrade myself in such a fashion, so be it." Wesker cracked his neck, yawning. Long ago there was a beautiful princess of Japan. She was betrothed to an evil and somewhat dimwitted young lord named…Chris."

Chris glares at Wesker, mumbling. "Chris isn't even Japanese."

"The young girl could not stand to be married to such an insolent young man. And so the day before her wedding, she thrust a knife deep into her chest, effectively ending her life. But she had angered the young man, and in a fit of rage, he cursed her to roam the earth in a hideous and malformed body. They say when the night is at it's darkest and the moon is hidden from view you can hear her soft crying as she wanders…"

Somewhere in the darkness a twig snaps. Jill laughs nervously, and clutches Chris's arm. Brad grabs Billy in a bear hug, whimpering even more loudly than usual. Leon in the meantime, elbows Steve out of the way and puts an arm around Claire's shoulders.

"Don't worry Claire, I'll protect you."

Then without warning a woman in a white kimono appears. She is beautiful in face alone, as she has fifty arms, all of them reaching for our poor campers. The campers stare at her for several seconds…then all hell breaks loose…

"AHHHHH!" Brad goes crashing off into the brush.

"Damn!" Billy quickly follows and actually passes him.

"SHIT!" Chris runs for the trees, dragging Jill behind him.

Wesker looks shocked. "Uh…uh…uh…"

Once Wesker runs for the trees everyone else that hasn't already left, scatter like New York cockroaches when a light comes on. The Ghost woman looks around and sighs heavily.

"Oh dear, all I needed was directions…"

* * *

A/N: Well, I hoped you enjoyed this chapter, and my shameless if somewhat screwed up rip-off of fatal frame. So keep those reviews coming and you will receive, at no cost to you, chapter 11 insert creepy music _Within the Woods. _Gets ya all scared don't it? 


	10. Within the Woods

A/N: Yes Dan Helsing this is the chapter that has a rip-off of Evil Dead 2...I love that movie. Ash rocks!

**

* * *

**

Somewhere in the Woods…

Billy finally manages to tackle Brad to the ground, ending his wild run through the woods. While Billy wrestles with Brad, he continues to scream in a very high pitched and annoying voice. In fact I do believe he has shattered several windows in a very large condo three miles down the road. Finally Billy slaps him around a bit, gaining an extreme amount of pleasure from doing so, and Brad shuts up.

"Cool it man! You left the ghost behind like two miles back!"

"Are…are you sure?" Brad looks around nervously. "Are you positive?"

"Yes you moron!" Bill rolls his eyes and smacks Brad up side the head again. "Now…we…have…"

But Billy falls silent, as a tyrant goes running by. Brad screams and ducks behind Billy, clutching the back of his shirt and sucking on his thumb. Suddenly a lovely young Mexican woman in a U.B.C.S. uniform emerges from the undergrowth. Billy goes slack jawed and starts drooling a bit as she walks over to them.

"Did you just see a seven foot killing machine go running by?"

Billy opens and closes his mouth several times, looking like a dead fish, but no sounds come out. The young woman, hereafter referred to as Cora, arched an eyebrow at him. Brad in the meantime points a shaking arm in the direction the tyrant went.

"It went that way."

"Damn, I've been chasing that thing for like an hour now."

Cora sighs, slipping a knife back up her sleeve, apparently it has just not been a good day for her. Just as she is about to open her mouth and ask the two boys if they know of a good restaurant around these parts, Wesker comes bursting through the trees, looking quite scared. Cora looked over and grinned, rather evilly I might add.

"Is that Albert Wesker?"

Wesker takes several deep breaths trying to calm down and somehow restore his normally evil persona when he spots Cora.

"Oh shit! Is that the Mexican chick from Team Biohazard, that I like beat the hell out of!"

"Oh you bet it is you blonde, sunglass wearing freak of nature."

Wesker backs slowly away as Cora stalks toward him. I guess he doesn't realize that he in no way looks like anything even remotely evil at this point in time. Then again he's like twelve right now.

"No way you can't be here! I mean I'm like a kid right now! You shouldn't even have been born yet!"

"It's really quite simple." Cora smirks, still stalking young Wesker. "The author is ignoring every rule of time."

Brad screams and passes out in a dead faint as a cloud of black smoke pops up in the middle of the clearing. This seems to wake Billy up and he does not look happy either, I guess he knows what's coming. The burst of smoke is followed by a long fit of coughing and several obscenities. Finally W.C. steps out of the black smoke cloud, wearing Claire's outfit from RE 2.

"Damn smoke bombs." She coughs again, waiving a hand in front of her face. "Anyway, that is correct. I mean how else do you explain having Sherry running around? Besides, I love torturing characters."

She pats Wesker on the head, smiles, and disappears in another puff of black smoke. A few lingering coughs mark her leaving, along with a strange sulfur smell. Wesker balls his fists, shaking with rage.

"I really hate her."

Cora smirks, grabs Wesker by the back of the shirt, bends him over her knee, and proceeds to spank him.

"This is for trying to kill me!"

"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS YOU LITTLE $#&!"

Whether Wesker is referring to Cora or W.C. is a matter of debate. Either way he is not pleased. Billy and Brad watch in stunned silence, with big smiles on their faces. They happen to think this whole scene is funnier than hell.

****

Meanwhile…

Barry, Sherry, and Ark stumble into a small clearing after their harried run through the woods. Like Billy and Brad, they are completely lost and have no clue where they are.

"Ok, there has to be reasonable explanation for that ghost." Sherry mumbles, sounding a bit panicked. "I mean ghosts cannot exists, it's just not scientifically possible."

Ark stares at her. "You sound like your Dad."

Sherry moans. "Oh God, you're right."

"Umm…guys…"

Barry is glancing behind them and tugging on Sherry's shirt. Neither Sherry nor Ark are paying any attention to him.

"We need to find the others, and get back to camp." Ark says.

"Oh…guys…"

"To hell with finding everyone else!" Sherry snaps. "I say we skip the whole head back to camp thing and hike out of these crazy woods!"

"Uh…guys…."

"Sherry, I don't think that's a good idea." Ark shakes his head. "I mean, we can't just leave them behind."

"GUYS!"

Sherry and Ark both turn there heads at the same time to face Barry. Neither of them look particularly happy at the moment. And in unison they say:

"WHAT!"

"Werewolf."

"Uh…there wolf?" Ark squeaks, pointing to the large werewolf.

"This is not a Mel Brooks movie you moron!"

Sherry slaps Ark, then screams as the werewolf leaps toward her. Ark and Barry scream as a tall man with long dark hair leaps over their heads and kills the werewolf before it can eat sweet little Sherry. Sherry finds this very heroic and makes puppy eyes at the mysterious man. Barry and Ark just roll their eyes.

"Are you three alright?"

While Sherry continues to make puppy eyes and is now sighing deeply, Barry leans over and whispers to Ark.

"Who's that guy?"

"Oh that's the lead guy from Van Helsing."

"What's he doing here?"

"The author just watched that movie for like the hundredth time and decided to include him."

"Why?"

"She thinks he's a hottie."

W.C. suddenly appears in her trademark puff of black smoke. Somewhere along the way she changed clothes and is now dressed as Claire from CVX. She smiles brightly and whacks Ark several times in the head with a large baseball bat. Barry just stares, looking more confused than usual, while Sherry as trailed off after Van Helsing. Who, incidentally, is off on his quest to kill Dracula.

"Yes he is cute. Good movie!"

W.C. then disappears, following her shameless plug, in another puff of black smoke. Ark lays on the ground unconscious while Barry pokes his prone body with a stick.

****

Meanwhile…

Claire finds herself all alone in the woods, though this concept does not seem to bother her. In fact, she looks around for a moment, then smiled brightly.

"I feel a song coming on!"

Claire then breaks into a really bad rendition of a typical Disney song…

"When my prince will come…"

Small and insanely cute animals start to emerge from the trees. They all gather around Claire, as she continues to sing, I guess you could call that singing…I'm not entirely sure that's what it is though. I'd call it slow torture. After a few more ear splitting notes, she stops.

"Oh my, are you here to help me?"

Several of the cute little animals nod and the whole scene just looks sickening sweet. If Claire were a diabetic she'd be having a sugar overdose right now.

"Oh goody, let's be off."

Claire skips off following the cute cuddly animals through the woods…

****

Meanwhile…

Leon, Chris and Steve stumble through the woods, finally arriving at what appears to be a small cabin. Hesitantly, they enter…

"This place is extremely creepy." Chris mutters.

"Tell me about it." Leon mutters.

"Mommy…" Steve squeaks.

Suddenly, a blood drenched man stumbles through the front door, carry an equally blood drenched chainsaw. The three boys take one look at him and scream like five year old girls on helium. The man with the chainsaw, hereafter referred to as Ash, lifted the chainsaw looking completely insane.

"Who the hell are you!"

"Uh…we're campers?"

Chris just prays the freak won't chop them up like in _Texas Chainsaw Massacre_. Ash lowers the chainsaw still looking like he's lost his mind. Without warning, a headless corpse come crashing through the window and attacks Steve.

"OH GOD GET IT OFF!"

Ash springs into action, beating the corpse with an ax. Chris grabs for a nearby lamp and begins roughing up the corpse with extreme prejudice. Steve continues to scream bloody murder while Leon sits in a nearby rocking chair with a bag of popcorn. Finally Ash subdues the corpse.

"That thing is just part of it." Ash glances around, looking a bit more insane than he was five minutes ago…even though I really didn't think that was possible. "There something out there in those woods."

"We have to head back out and find my sister!"

Ash spins around and grabs Chris by the front of the shirt, lifting him off the floor.

"If she's out there, she's as good as dead! We need those pages!"

"What pages?" Leon cocks his head looking confused. "What are you talking about?"

"You didn't bring any pages from a book bound in human skin and inked in human blood?"

Ash dropped Chris, who hit the floor on his ass, and looked over at Leon. Leon and Steve exchanged glances, both of them wearing the same look on their face…_Is this guy serious?_

"Dude, you need a time out or something, really." Steve pats Ash on the shoulder. "They have medication for problems like yours, you should look into it."

Suddenly a dismembered hand runs through the room. At the same time, various inanimate objects start to laugh.

Chris, Steve, and Leon tip toe out, as Ash starts laughing in a very strange and Wesker-like way. Leon just shakes his head.

"That guy needs a vacation or something."

"Tell me about it." Chris mutters as he spots some people with flashlights heading toward the cabin. "Boy are those guys in for a surprise."

"Yea."

Steve comes to a sudden stop as a female's dismembered head rolls in front of him. He leans down to get a closer look when the head's eyes pop open.

"Hello lover…" It rasped, grinning eerily.

"AHHHHHH!"

Steve takes off running like his feet were on fire and his ass was catching, the dismembered head rolling after him. Chris and Leon watch him run by and shake their heads.

****

Meanwhile…

Jill, Alexia, Rebecca and Annette also find themselves lost in the woods. I mean really what did you expect? However before they can decide what to do two dozen demonic marionettes surround them, brandishing knives.

"Holy hell!" Jill screams.

"I hate the author!" Alexia fumes.

"The woman is a freaking sadist!" Annette growls.

"For the love of humanity, will the torture never end!" Rebecca cries.

Then from out of nowhere, a tall man with white hair and wearing in a kick ass red coat jumps into the middle of the marionettes. He dispatches them in true bad ass form, with bullets flying, sword waving, and insanely cool acrobatic moves.

"You ladies alright?"

The girls stared at Dante looking love struck. Dante didn't appear to notice. He reloaded Ebony and Ivory, then slipped them back in their respective holsters. Finally he grinned at the girls, causing them to come very, very close to swooning.

"I gotta hit the road there babes. Things to kill you know."

He headed off into the woods, whistling something to himself as the four girls trailed after him like lost puppies.

****

Meanwhile…

Forest, Kenneth, Joseph, and Enrico find themselves lost in the woods, just like everyone else. Forest looks around and sighs heavily.

"So uh…now what?"

Enrico shrugs. "No clue, I think W.C. ran out of ideas."

"Well there has to be something scary that could come running up and try to do us harm." Kenneth mutters. "I mean like rabid penguins or something…"

"Muffle…"

While the boys stand around, doing not much of anything, Steve goes running by being chased by the dismembered head. Enrico rolls his eyes, pinching the bridge of is nose.

"That's wasn't scary, hell it wasn't even creepy… it was just strange."

"Muffle…muffle…"

A few seconds later Claire _goes skipping by being followed by several wide eyed innocent forest animal_s.

"Now that was scary…." Forest glanced at the other three boys, then cleared his throat. "I say we run like scared idiots now."

"Muffle!"

The boys run screaming into the woods, in the opposite direction as Claire and her little entourage.

****

Meanwhile…

Nemesis and Tyrant are in the middle of a rousing game of go fish…

Back at Camp

Carlos and Alfred are the only two who didn't run screaming into the woods. Well…uh…that's because the passed out upon seeing Kirie. William didn't take off either, mostly because he finds the whole subject of ghost fascinating and hopes to somehow turn them into a bio-weapon. Miss Perky didn't take off either, but then again this woman is not entirely sane either.

"So what are you doing here, this is a long way from Japan." Miss Perky grins. "Are you on vacation?"

"Actually I was on my way to see my cousin, she haunts this little cottage by a lake." Kirie smiled, spreading her many arms. "I'm afraid I got a tab bit lost."

"So are all ghosts like you are do some have certain places the haunt?"

William takes notes as Kirie goes on to explain all about ghosts…

And so the madness continues…


	11. Back to Camp Huzzah!

The sun rises over the trees, making the forest bright and friendly. A far cry from its dark and sinister look of the night before. Birds are singing in the trees and the whole scene looks like a video clip from any typical Disney Movie. As usual the lovely mood is broken by Miss Perky's piercing screams of joy.

"Good Morning, yea!"

Carlos awakens with a start, looking slightly disheveled and barley alert.

"Bacon…"

Alfred also awakens, looking just as tired and cranky as Carlos.

"Just five more minutes…"

William appears to be the only one that is even marginally as perky as Miss Perky in the mornings. He crawls out of his tent, already dressed and sporting his usual dim smile.

"My what a lovely morning. But I must wonder as to the location of our esteemed friends."

"What did he say?" Alfred asks, yawing loudly. "It's too early to have to interpret _evil scientist_."

"Nice morning, but where is everyone." Carlos mumbles crawling out of his own tent.

"Oh, ok."

Miss Perky claps her hands getting everyone's attention. Not that it would take much, I mean there is only three campers still in camp after all.

"Time to get the camp ready to leave, yea!"

Thirty minutes later and Carlos is just packing up the last tent and giving Alfred a hand with several bags. At the other side of the camp, William is taking notes and making sure all his little critters are caged up and ready to go. There is no sign of the missing campers.

"Ok, the camp is all packed up, now what?" Carlos looks toward William. "Any ideas Will?"

"It seems our adventuress friends have yet to return from their outing."

"You mean they're still lost?" Alfred still looks half asleep. "You're a lot harder to understand than Alexia."

"That's what he means."

Carlos prepares to elaborate, but several noises from the woods stop him. Despite it being morning, practically afternoon in fact, the three surviving campers turn a bit pale and huddle closer. You know, just in case and all that. From the woods there is the sound of snapping twigs and what sounds like a lot of bitching.

"Crap, but he's heavy."

"It must be all the leather."

"Just be quiet and keep moving."

"Look here, you got the light stuff…try dragging this damn sword for an hour and a half!"

Carlos, William, and Alfred glance at each other, looking confused. Several seconds later Annette emerges from the tree line carrying two pistols. She is quickly followed by Alexia dragging a sword behind her then Jill and Rebecca carrying a large burlap sack. The sack appears to be struggling quite a bit, making the carrying very difficult for our two young fan girls. If course I doubt the screaming from _inside _the bag is helping the situation.

"Will you let me out of here!" Dante snaps. "I said let me out of here!"

"What in the world do you four have there?" Carlos eyes the bag for a moment than looks straight at Jill. "Well?"

"Oh…err…nothing!" Jill strains a smile, still struggling with the sack. "Really, nothing important."

"I'll show you nothing!" Dante growls.

Annette quickly takes care of the situation, hitting Dante with his one of his own guns…knocking him unconscious.

"Nothing to worry about."

Alfred, William, and Carlos stare blankly as the four women drag their sack and various weapons over to the pile of bags. Alfred starts to open his mouth, perhaps to ask a very stupid question, when Leon and Chris emerge from the woods looking a bit the worse for wear.

"What happened to you two?" Jill asks, sitting down on the sack containing Dante. "You guys look like shit."

"We got lost." Leon mumbled, pulling a twig out of his hair. "It was horrible."

"Don't forget almost getting Texas Chainsaw Massacred by some crazy in a cabin." Chris snapped, pulling several leaves off his shirt. "That guy was completely mental."

"As much as I hate to know." Annette sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Where is Steve?"

"Last time I saw him, he was being chased by a head…"

Everyone turns as Enrico, Forest, Joseph, and Kenneth enter camp. Just behind them is Steve carrying his new friend, the dismembered female head. Apparently he and the head are in deep conversation.

"No, I'm serious." Steve nods knowingly. "This isn't entirely a new thing."

"Really?" The head looks unconvinced. "Dismembered heads and all?"

"Oh yea, there are zombies too."

Everyone is now staring at the two of them, opened mouthed and in complete shock. Steve and the head ignore them, carrying on their conversation…which has moved from zombies to deadites. In the meantime Ark stumbles into camp sporting various bruises which look a great deal like poke marks from a stick…go figure.

"Where am I?"

"Oh great." Forest rolls his eyes. "He's lost his memory again."

Just then Barry walks into camp, dragging a very morose Sherry. She happens to be crying a great deal at the moment and for once Barry actually looks like he has half a brain…I know, it's creeping me out too.

"He got hit in the head by the author."

"What's wrong with her?" Kenneth flicks his head toward Sherry. "She get bopped too?"

"No, she lost track of Van Helsing."

"Huh?"

"Long story."

Before Barry can elaborate, Wesker comes stomping into camp, red faced, and extremely pissed off. Following right behind him are Brad and Bill, laughing. Brad doesn't look the least bit scared, of course it helps that Billy is just a bit bigger than Wesker and Brad is cowering behind him…even if he is laughing his head off, he isn't _that_ stupid.

"What is so funny?" Chris looks first to Billy, then Brad. "Come on, what happened?"

"Wesker…_giggle_…got…_giggle_…he…_giggle_…got…_giggle_…spanked…_giggle._"

For a full minute there is complete silence in camp, not even William's little creations are making any noise. Then suddenly everyone bursts out laughing. This does not improve Wesker's mood in the slightest.

"SHUT-UP…JUST SHUT-UP!"

Of course no one pays the slightest amount of attention to him. As the laughter continues, Wesker stalks off and pouts under a nearby pine tree. While that laughing still continues, with no look of ending anytime soon, Claire comes skipping into camp followed by her little animal entourage.

"Hi!" She screeches, sounding a great deal like Miss Perky. "I'm back!"

"Good God Claire." Chris eyes his sister warily, his laughter dying immediately. "Where did you find all those animals?"

"They lead me out of the forest!"

"How did you manage to make that happen?"

"I'll show you…" Claire then breaks into song once more, killing two squirrels nearby. "_Oh when my prince will come…"_

Everyone clamps their hands over their ears, as they are assaulted by ear splitting notes and half-forgotten lyrics. Even Miss Perky looks to be in a great deal of pain.

"SOMEONE SHUT HER UP!" William yelled, actually making sense.

"PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON US!" Wesker howled, actually looking scared.

Suddenly, Claire gets hit in the head by a flying stick and is knocked unconscious. Everyone present breaths a sigh of relief and checks to see that their ears aren't bleeding. Chris stands over his fallen sister and shakes his head.

"Sorry Claire, but I had to do it."

"Alrighty kids, time to head back to camp, yea!" Miss Perky screams to the half deaf campers.

* * *

A/N: And thus ends the camping trip. I would like to point out something I forgot to mention in the last chapter, the character Cora does in no way belong to me. She is CassSpaz's character and I was using her with Cass' permission. Thank you!


	12. Casting Call

_**A/N: WARNING!** Now that I have your attention, I just want to say that things are about to get extremely strange. (looks around) You have been warned…_

* * *

The trip back to camp was rather slow and somewhat uneventful. Well, except for that rapid penguin that attempted to eat Brad. Billy managed to save him, despite the fact, that he would have loved nothing better than to let the penguin eat him. However there was the small matter of a Bravo Chopper and a fantastic night with the young miss Rebecca. Annette, Jill, Rebecca and Alexia also seemed to have some slight problems with their sack. Whatever they were hauling around, attempted to escape several times. Rebecca was finally forced to beat it into submission with the sword Alexia had been carrying. So, to make a long story short, everyone made it back to Camp Umbrella.

"I never thought I'd be happy to be back here." Chris dropped his pack on the ground, sighing heavily.

"I know what you mean." Jill groaned, massaging her back. "How much longer do we have to endure this torture?"

"According to my calculations…"

Annette tapped William on the shoulder.

"Short answer dear."

"Five more days."

There was a universal groan from the campers present. I guess you could say they aren't exactly having any fun. Though I would have thought that was pretty obvious by now.

"Great five more days of heavenly bliss." Steve grumbled sarcastically. "I am just sooooo happy to hear that."

"Five more days of staring at your ugly face." Leon snapped, whacking Steve in the back of the head.

Steve let out an inhuman squeak, much like Alfred's, and jumped Leon. A slap fight ensues, to which no one, except Claire, seems to be paying any attention to.

"They're at it again."

Suddenly Miss Perky comes bouncing out of the main building, carrying a clip board. Alfred grabs Alexia around the legs crying loudly. Brad grabs Billy around the legs, screaming his head off. Billy pinches the bridge of his nose, reminding himself repeatedly that there is a reason he is putting up with Brad and it has to do with the sexy little Rebecca. In the meantime, Brad and Alfred scream in perfect unison:

"OH NO SHE'S GONNA TORTURE US SOME MORE!"

Miss Perky comes a skidding halt, spilling perkiness all off the place. Chris and Wesker are wise enough to stay out of range, after what happened last time. Unfortunately the unchecked perkiness dribbles across the ground and infects several other campers. Soon enough they are skipping around humming show tunes and picking flowers. Miss Perky is unmindful of the chaos she is causing and instead focuses on why she is currently standing in front of our poor little vict…err…campers.

"Alright kids! It's only five more days until you say goodbye to Camp Umbrella!" She looks at each of the campers with wide eyed enthusiasm. "I bet you know what that means!"

"You're not going to force us to endure ghost stories?"

"No more arts and crafts?"

"No more canoe trips?"

"You will no longer subject us to your insane perkiness?"

"No sillies!" Miss Perky breaks out in giggles just as a mysterious drum roll comes from out of nowhere. "IT'S TIME FOR THE ANNUAL CAMP UMBRELLA MUSICAL!"

There is exactly five seconds of silence before everyone present, and the readers at home, scream in unabashed terror…

**Later in the Main Camp Building/Cafeteria/Auditorium…**

"Alright now I want everyone to do their best during this try out." Miss Perky consults her clipboard. "First we have Claire as Satine, and Billy as Christian."

However before Billy and Claire can torture us with bad singing, WC pops up out of thin air dressed like Jill from Remake. Brad faints at the sight of her, hitting the stage with a loud _plop_.

"Please let it be known that all singing will be in italics and script form for better viewing pleasure."

Rebecca glances at Carlos looking confused. "What does that mean?"

"Anything typed in italics is supposed to be sung and she's going to write it in script for instead of third person."

"Oh, that was a rather bright thing to do."

"I thought so!" WC disappears in a puff of black smoke. "BYE!"

"I hate that woman." Wesker mutters, kicking Brad's unconscious body for no good reason.

"Back to work." Miss Perky claps her hands, getting everyone's attention. "Now, here's the scene. Billy, you are trying to woo the lovely Satine."

**Billy: **rolls eyes _All you need is love!_

Everyone covers their ears as several windows shatter and two campers outside fall unconscious. Even Miss Perky looks ready to pass out.

"Alrighty then, um…Claire."

"DEAR GOD HAVE MERCY ON US!"

"AHHHHHH!"

"PLEASE STOP THE TORMENT!"

"DEAR AND BENEVOLENT AUTHORESS PLEASE DO NOT SUBJECT US TO SUCH HORRORS!"

As the various campers continue to scream and holler and beg the authoress for mercy, Claire stomps her foot and walks off stage mumbling various obscenities. Everyone present now cry with relief.

"Alright." Miss Perky clears her throat and consults her clipboard again. "Um, Chris you play Christian and Jill play Satine."

**Chris: **_All you need is love…_

Everyone's jaw drops to the floor as it becomes readily apparent that Chris is actually able to sing in tune.

**Jill: **But a girl has to eat.

**Chris**: _All you need is love…_

Jill: Or she'll wind up on the streets.

**Chris: **_All you need is looove!_

**Jill: **_Love is just a game…_

Just as the assembled campers get their jaws back in place there is an audible _plop _as their jaws once again hit the floor. I guess they are surprised that Jill can carry a tune as well.

**Chris: **_I was born was loving for you baby…you were born for loving me…_

**Jill: **_The only way of loving me baby…is to pay a lovely fee._

At this point everyone is not only surprised that Jill and Chris can carry a tune, but are completely dumbfounded that they actually sound really really good. Suddenly Miss Perky jumps to her feet, looking wild eyed.

"YES THIS IS GOING TO BE THE GREATEST PRODUCTION CAMP UMBRELLA HAS EVER SEEEN!"

Everyone is now staring blankly…

**

* * *

**

**The Final Cast List of Moulin Rouge…**

**The Duke-** Wesker

**Satine-** Jill

**Christian- **Chris

**Harold Zidler-** Barry

**The Dwarf Toluse- **Alfred

**The Narcoleptic Argentinean- **Carlos

**Tango Dancer/Can-Can Dancer-** Alexia

**Marie- **Annette

**Can-Can Dancers- **Claire, Sherry, Rebecca, Steve

**Chocolate- **Kenneth

**Two other bohemians- **William, Brad

**The Duke's Manservant- **Billy

**Extras to be dispersed as needed- **Enrico, Kenneth, Joseph, Forest, Leon, Ark, Nemesis.


	13. Rehearsals

**Four days until the big show…**

In between yet another helping of Arts & Craft, which went no better then the previous two helpings. In fact the violence factor seems to have escalated quite a bit. William and Wesker were both carted to the First Aide office for massive paper cuts and concussions caused by repeated beatings with tempura tiles. Later they were treated to another canoe ride. Which ended…well…badly I suppose, as poor Richard was eaten by Neptune.

So, as I was saying, in between the arts & crafts and the canoe trip the children were forced to rehearse. We find them standing on stage in the Main Hall…

"NO NO NO!" Miss Perky shakes her head and walks across the stage. "Steve, you need to lift the skirt higher!"

Steve groans loudly, currently wearing a frilly can-can dress, and looking pissed off. I guess he is none to happy to be a drag queen at the moment.

"EXCUSE ME, if I have no clue how to wear a dress!"

Suddenly Alfred starts jumping up and down, with his hand in the air like a kid in class trying to get the teacher's attention. Everyone turns slowly to stare at him like he's lost his mind.

"Oh, oh, pick me! I know how!"

Everyone present shudders, wishing someone would hit Alfred with something. Preferably something very heavy.

"This scene is very important!" Miss Perky screeches, sitting back down in her chair. "Now, let's try this again. Barry, take it from where we left off."

Barry steps through a set of cardboard doors, part of the yet unfinished scenery, flanked by Claire and Sherry. Barry is dressed like some kind of ringmaster, while both girls are dressed in can-can dresses. Just to the left of the stage Enrico, Leon, Forest, and Ark are dressed in black top hats and tails.

**Barry: **_Got some dark desire…_

Claire and Sherry move down the steps toward the boys, who are attempting to dance and walk toward them at the same time. Which, I might add, they are failing miserably at. I guess the boys just don't have any rhythm.

**Barry: **_Love to play with fire…_

Rebecca and Steve, who is still looking more than slightly pissed off, come out the doors and head toward the boys.

**Barry: **_Why not let it rip!_

The three girls, plus Steve, partner with the four boys and commence to dance together. Well, at least it sort of looks like their dancing. In the meantime, Chris, also dressed in top hat and tails, Alfred, Carlos, William, and Brad sneak across the stage. They are trying to sneak into the Moulin Rouge.

**Barry: **_Live a little bit!_

Steve is currently partnered with Ark. Ark does not look pleased to be dancing with Steve, in fact he looks like he's trying not to throw up.

"These pantyhose are riding into the unknown."

"Please don't talk to me…"

Forest is partnered with Rebecca, both of them look to be trying to remember the dance steps. To be fair they are doing far better than the other couples.

"One, two, three…turn…"

"And kick, and lift, and turn…"

Enrico and Sherry both look to be completely out of rhythm and want nothing more than to drop dead on the spot.

"How long is this number?"

"Not to much longer…" Sherry mumbles, trying to keep in step. "…I hope…"

"Leon, you're on my foot!"

"Oops…" Leon blushes. "Sorry Claire."

**Later…**

"Alright, this is Satine's big number." Miss Perky claps her hands with joy. "And…ACTION!"

Jill is lowered from the ceiling on a swing, dressed …well…err…in a very reveling outfit. Chris, Alfred, Carlos, William and Brad are sitting to the left of the stage in a booth. In the booth right next to them is Wesker and Barry. Wesker is also dressed in a set of tails.

Alfred leans over the table and whispers to Chris. "It's her…the Sparkling Diamond.."

Chris is now narrating. "But someone else was to meet Satine that night…"

**Jill: **_The French are glad to die for love…_

"Zidler's investor…"

**Jill: **_They delight in fighting duels…But I prefer a man who lives…and giiiives…expensive…jewels.._

"The Duke…"

Jill is lowered to the floor in the middle of our four boys and proceeds to ah…shake her booty, as the music picks up pace.

**Jill: **_A kiss on the hand might be quite continental, but diamonds are a girls best friend…_

Of course being in the middle of four men without rythem, well, you're just asking for trouble. Which comes shortly after Jill starts singing. Ark trips and hits Enrico. Enrico trips and falls into Leon. Leon gets knocked into Brad. Then the entire heap of boysfall on top of Jill.

"AHHHHH!" Miss Perky leaps out of her chair, runs over, and digs Jill out of the pile. "Are you hurt?"

"I'm alright."

"Oh thank goodness."

Miss Perky picks Jill up, managing to step on Leon and Ark as she hauls her star to a nearby chair.

"OWWW!" Ark massagesthe hand Miss Perky has just stepped on. "Damn that hurts."

"Hey watch it lady!" Leon massages his head where Miss Perky just kicked him. "Yeesh!"

"I was so worried about you Jill." Miss Perky gently sets her down near Chris. "If you'd have gotten hurt…"

"Hey!" Enrico shouts, trying to untangle from Ark. "What about us?"

"Oh you guys are just extras." Miss Perky flips a dismissive hand toward the four boys. "Few cuts and bruises, maybe some broken bones, doesn't really matter."

"My, I feel so loved…" Forest mumbles, pulling Leon to his feet.

"Yea, I know just what you mean…"

**And so the rehearsals continue…**


	14. Self Insertion

_**A/N: **To answer a recent question: Yes, when one of the characters pinches the bridge of their nose, it's because they are annoyed or exasperated about something. Thank you…let the madness continue…_

**

* * *

**

**Three days until the big show…**

And so the rehearsals continue, much to the dismay of our poor campers. Except Forest, who is probably the only person even slightly happy. Why you may ask? Well, Miss Perky decided that the narration might work better if someone other than Chris did it, since Chris also has a lot of singing to do. So Forest, much to his undying glee, is not going to be forced to dance and/or sing at all. Of course this means that Joseph, who up until now really had no part, has to pick up the slack and do all of Forest's dance numbers in the big dance scenes. Needless to say, he's not very happy at the moment.

It's not surprising that we find our victims rehearsing in the Main Hall…

Carlos stepped up to Alexia. Alexia then does a small spin and lands in his arms. Everyone present is more than slightly surprised to see that Alexia and Carlos can Tango, in fact I'd go so far as to say they are completely stunned.

Carlos and Alexia proceed to tango. Then Carlos spins Alexia into the arms of William, as he opens his mouth to sing. Something else everyone present is more than a little shocked about, the fact that Carlos can sing.

**Carlos: **_Roxanne! You don't have to turn on that red light!_

While Carlos belts out his lines, William spins to Ark, which is not that great of an idea…believe me. Ark attempts to spin her to Leon, but instead steps on her feet and almost falls on top of her. Alexia is not pleased.

"YOU IDIOT!"

Alexia mutates and sets Ark on fire. To which he responds, by running around in circles waving his arms frantically. He kind of looks like Brad, when Brad decides to freak out.

"HELP!"

"STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!" Claire shouts. "STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!"

Finally, Chris and Steve douse him with a bucket of water. Ark falls face first into the floor, moaning in pain, as little wisps of smoke curl off his poor battered body.

"…owww…pain…"

Miss Perky appears undeterred by this setback. In fact she doesn't look even remotely concerned about poor little Ark's injuries. Ark, in the meantime, has passed out from the pain.

"Alrighty then, let's move on to the seduction scene."

**5 minutes later…**

**Chris: **_My gift is my song…(bit softer) and this one's for you. (turns to look at Jill) And you can tell everybody that this is your song…_

Jill slowly stands up, from her sitting position near the mock bed. I must say she looks quite err…lovely in her little black lingerie. Enrico swallows the lump that has just stuck in his throat and leans toward Rebecca.

"Isn't that a bit revealing?"

"Just a tad."

Suddenly…ever notice a lot of things happen suddenly around here? But I digress…

Anyway…

Suddenly WC pops out of nowhere in a puff of black smoke, dressed like Jill from RE3. The music stops abruptly as the authoress walks across the stage to address her readers. The assembled campers do not appear pleased to see her.

Brad screams with fear and faints, hitting the floor with a loud _plop_. Billy just rolls his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. Wesker groans loudly, wishing there was a way to kill WC off. Steve and Alfred both look more that a tad bit worried. Chris and Jill are trying to sneak away. Claire is hiding behind Leon, who is hiding behind Barry. Sherry and Annette are both cowering behind William, who is cowering behind Alexia. Enrico, Kenneth, Forest, and Joseph are all hiding behind Nemmy, whimpering softly to themselves. Rebecca and Carlos are hiding under Miss Perky's chair. Finally Ark is still unconscious and Miss Perky looks uncharacteristically pissed off.

"I'd just like to say that the various RE characters are supposed be around fourteen years of age." WC smiles brightly, tugging at the hem of her very short skirt. "Hence the reason I am able to get away with putting them is such skimpy outfits. Also…"

Miss Perky interrupts our esteemed, if slightly sadistic authoress, by jumping to her feet and waving her clipboard around wildly.

"EXCUSE ME!"

"Don't you go shouting at me Miss Perky!"

As WC clears her throat, to finish saying whatever it is she was planning on saying, Miss Perky's eyes widen. She lets out a feral growl and jumps WC from behind, tackling the authoress to the ground. The entire ensemble of campers are shocked and in unison:

"Holy shit!"

As Miss Perky proceeds to beat WC roughly about the head and shoulders, the campers cheer her on.

"Kick her ass you perky bringer of pain you!"

"Go Miss Perky go!"

"FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!"

While WC and Miss Perky roll around on the floor, William pulls out a small notebook and starts jotting down notes.

"My this is an interesting development."

"Um, shouldn't we put a stop to this?" Carlos winces as something that sounds very much like a breaking bone echoes through the room. "I mean they might kill each other if this continues."

"I don't think so." Sherry smiles brightly. "I mean, you say that like it's a bad thing."

"starrrrsss…"

"I agree." Alfred squeaks. "That damn authoress deserves it."

Miss Perky belts the authoress in the head with her clipboard. WC topples backwards, landing on top of the unconscious Ark.

"Owww" Rebecca winces, sympathetic to the now flattened Ark. "That's gonna leave a mark."

"RIP HER THROAT OUT!"

Everyone stares at Leon, who is now jumping up and down in a very spastic Fan Girl-like way. Steve shakes his head, inching slowly away from him.

"Dude you need medication or something…"

Suddenly the fight turns in WC's favor. WC whips out a hardback copy of Stephen King's _The Stand_, where she pulled it from you don't want to know, and proceeds to beat the hell out of the Miss Perky. I should perhaps mention the book WC is bashing Miss Perky with is quite long, 1153 pages. Needless to say, it makes a good weapon.

"Don't…"

**_(whack_ ) **

"…you…"

**( _slap) _**

"…even…"

**(_crash)_**

"…think…"

**( _smack )_**

"…about…"

**( _pound)_**

"…telling…"

**( _boing )_**

"…me…"

**(_sploit)_**

"…how…"

**(_crunch )_**

"…to…"

**(_blong )_**

"…do…"

**( _bling ) _**

"…my…"

**(_doink )_**

"…JOB!"

WC is breathing heavily and the book now severely damaged. Miss Perky is covered in bruises and is currently unconscious. The assembled campers look first to Miss Perky's bloody body, then up at WC and shudder. WC straightens up, smoothing the wrinkles out of her skirt. As she clears her throat, she tosses the book over her shoulder…which smacks poor Ark in the head. That boy is going to need some serious medical attention when all this is over with.

"Now, as I was saying…"

Wesker nudges Miss Perky with his foot. "I think you killed her."

WC tightens her fists, now even more pissed off about being interrupted. She spins around, shaking a finger under Wesker's nose.

"One more word and I'll having you married to Alfred. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?"

"Yes Ma'm." Wesker squeaks, looking ready to pass out.

"Now, you will be seeing most of Moulin Rouge during the big show. That is all."

Everyone breaths a sigh of relief as WC disappears in a puff of black smoke. From the floor Miss Perky appears to have awakened.

"…time…for…a…break. Pretty birdies…"

As she passes out again, the campers all look at one another, shrug, and beat a hasty retreat from the building. Rebecca pauses long enough to grab Ark by the leg and drag him along…


	15. Self Insertion Part 2

_**A/N: **Let the madness escalate!_

**

* * *

**

**Two days until the big show…**

Having been unconscious most of the previous day, Miss Perky has ordered our campers into double overtime rehearsals. The campers are, understandably, not pleased. We find them sprawled across the stage, having been granted a small break.

"If I hear one more time to kick higher, followed by a big YEA." Sherry mumbled. "I'm gonna snap."

"I know what you mean." Jill moaned. "She's worse, if that's even possible."

"She is indeed a very…" William trails off, racking his brain for a word harsh enough to describe Miss Perky. "… demanding person."

"No dear, she is a slave driving ass of mega proportions."

"She's more annoying than Steve or Sherry on helium!"

Leon is promptly slapped by Steve and Sherry. No one on the floor seems to care much. In fact, Leon doesn't even retaliate.

"Is this torture almost over?" Alfred whines.

"Two more days…" Carlos winced at a strong pain in his leg. "Not counting today."

"…starrrrsss…"

"I almost wish that chipmunk had eaten me." Steve moans. "I really, really do."

"We all wish that chipmunk had eaten you." Leon painfully lifts his head. "But for other reasons."

Steve lets out a high pitched squeak and pulls together enough energy to jump Leon. A slap fight ensues, no one cares. Everyone seems more interested in knowing where Chris and Wesker have scampered off too. They suspect they have either beaten the hell out of each other, or escaped.

"Where is Wesker and Chris?" Claire somehow found the strength to lift her head and look around. "I haven't seen them around lately."

"Actually I thought I seen them talking in one of the dressing rooms." Forest mumbled, pointing offstage. "At least, that's where they were a few minutes ago."

Everyone is now surprised into silence for a full five minutes. After finally collecting their thoughts, they then proceed to bombard Forest with questions.

"Just talking?"

"They weren't fighting?"

"Or trying to rip out each other's throats?"

"Or trying to strangle each other?"

"Or beating each other in the head with large heavy objects?"

"Nope." Forest shook his head. "Just calmly talking."

"I would have never thought that those to would engage in a civil conversation." William jots down several notes. "Random violence I expected, but not civility."

Kenneth, blinked several times. "What the hell did he say?"

"Beat each other senseless, yes." Annette grimaces at how rough her voice sounds. "Talk, no."

Just as William was about to spout off more random scientific observations, Wesker and Chris walk on to the stage from the dressing rooms. Everyone present are shocked that neither of them are sporting bruises and/or broken bones. Ark is the first one to shake off the shock and speak.

"What the hell have you two been doing?"

Chris shrugs. "Talking."

"To the treacherous bastard…about what?"

"Miss Perky and the Authoress."

There is a loud scream as Brad huddles behind Billy at the mere mention of the authoress' name. Billy grits his teeth, trying to remember why he hasn't killed the little coward yet. Meanwhile, Claire just rolls her eyes and clears her throat.

"And why in the world were you discussing them?"

"As the authoress is somewhat evil, much like myself." Wesker grins, evilly I might add. "We were hoping we could persuade her to get rid of Miss Perky for us."

"For once Wesker and I are in agreement." Chris actually looks like saying that caused him a great amount of pain. "Ms. Perky has to be stopped at all costs, before she kills us with these rehearsals."

"But calling on the authoress…"

Leon's statement causes a universal shudder.

"Dude, she's like a total psycho!"

"For once Steve has a point." Rebecca shakes her head. "There's no telling what she might do to us once Ms. Perky is dead."

"Look that maniacal slave driver has to go." Wesker is now going slightly spastic. "She won't even let me beat anyone up!"

There is a ten minute discussion about the pros and cons of calling on the authoress. Finally it is decided that, although not a great plan it IS the only plan they have at the moment. There are two points that no one has brought up yet however. First, how do they contact the authoress and secondly, who is actually going to do the asking. In fact, who will be doing the asking is the topic currently under debate.

"Alright, whose gonna do the asking?" Wesker glances at the campers, who quickly look off in some other direction. "Oh come on you shallow little cowards!"

"You do it." Chris pats Wesker on the shoulder. "She likes you."

"She threatened to marry me off to Alfred!"

"You say that like it's a bad thing!"

Everyone ignores Alfred's loud shout of indignation.

"Come on you coward! Look at the pen name" Chris points to the top of the browser. "Wesker Chick, dude. I mean she's in love with you!"

"It was your idea." Wesker fires back. "And I am not a coward!"

Jill whispers to Claire. "Get ready to up the count to 70, the temporary truce is about the fall apart."

"Looks like it."

However before our two archrivals can attempt to inflict pain upon one another, WC appears on stage in a puff of black smoke dressed in Rebecca's alternate leather outfit from RE0. For some odd reason she is carrying a burlap sack.

"Ok you two, enough." WC pulls Wesker and Chris apart. "If you want my help, be nice for five seconds."

Barry being the moron he is, turns to Ark and asks a very stupid question.

"How did she know we wanted her help?"

"She's the authoress, she wrote the damned thing you moron."

"Oh."

Meanwhile, Sherry finally works up enough courage to ask about the sack.

"What is the sack for?"

"Oh this?" WC holds up sack. "I was at an anime convention looking for Albie look-alikes. No luck. Now what is it you want?"

Before anyone can ask WC why she asked them what they wanted when she already stated what they wanted several lines up, Chris shoves Wesker forward. Wesker turns pale, well, paler than usual, and clears his throat.

"Can you get rid of Miss Perky for us?"

" Indeed I can. Where is the little…"

Just at that moment, Miss Perky walks out on to the stage.

"Alright you slackers! Back to…" She spots the authoress. "YOU!"

"Yup. However if we must battle, better attire is called for." WC snaps her fingers and the Rebecca costume turns into Wesker's STARS uniform from Remake, sunglasses included. "Now then, shall we begin?"

While everyone present stares blankly at the new costume, wondering just how she pulled that off, Wesker glares at WC. I guess he's getting over his initial fear of the strange and sadistic WC. Of course he doesn't exactly make his thoughts known very loudly, in fact it kinda sounds like he's whining.

"That's my outfit, plus she stole my sunglasses."

Miss Perky whips out a clipboard, brandishing it with menace and a very insane smile. WC, on the other hand, displays a Wesker like smirk and pulls out a large poke ball.

"I choose you Dan Helsing!"

There is an audible _plop_ as everyone's jaws hit the floor. Given the amount of violence WC is capable of, with what has happened in the previous chapter, they were expecting something more along the lines of a large gun or at the very least another heavy book.

WC yawns and throws the poke ball at Miss Perky. Special guest star, Dan Helsing, pops out of his poke ball, runs across the stage, chops off Miss Perky's head, and then returns to the poke ball. WC is whistling a tune from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory as she tucks the poke ball back into her pocket.

"Now then, with my work done…"

"Excuse me Miss Authoress." William taps WC on the shoulder, causing her to turn. "With Miss Perky permanently disposed of, we are left without a leader. You did promise your viewing public the Moulin Rouge show. I'm afraid I must point out, however much it grieves me to do so, that we will need a new Head Councilor."

Kenneth looks slightly crossed eyed. "What the hell did he say?"

Carlos translates. "With Miss Perky dead, we need a new Head Councilor."

"Oh."

"It appears I was a bit hasty in my execution of the former Head Councilor." WC smiles, patting William on the head. "I will have to remedy this situation as soon as humanly possible."

William is now staring at WC in awe and wonder. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say he is now in love with her. Annette on the other hand, looks jealous. Meanwhile Kenneth is confused again.

"What did she say?"

Alexia and Carlos both translate. "She needs to get us a new Head Councilor as soon as possible."

"Oh."

WC snaps her fingers and once again changes clothes. Now she's wearing Wesker's outfit from the RE0 flashback. For those of you in the viewing audience unfamiliar with this outfit, it would be a black turtleneck, black dress pants, a lab coat, black shoes, and sunglasses. Wesker is quietly seething abut his stolen outfit yet again, but is still smart enough not to confront her about it.

"First of all I believe that the new councilor should be from the RE universe." She snaps her fingers again and a pile of RE strategy guides fall into her hands. "No more chances of this perkiness happening again."

Claire looks at the pile of books and sighs. "This may take a while."

Jill: You could be right.

"How about Marcus?"

Billy and Rebecca yell in unison. "No fricking way! No leeches!"

"Only one dress wearing freak thank you!"

Everyone is now staring at Alfred. Unfortunately, Alfred has no idea why.

"What?"

"Alright then." WC sighs heavily, throwing the Zero book over her shoulder and moves on to Remake. "I suppose Richard…oh no I killed him in chapter 13. Kevin I killed way back in like chapter 2." She throws out Remake's book and opens up the RE2 book. "Hmmm well I've pretty much exhausted that game as well."

She moves on to RE3. "How about Nicholai?"

"No way, has like a total dick!" Carlos snaps. "Besides I think we only need one treacherous bastard thank you!"

"You people are so picky."

WC tosses the RE3 book over her shoulder and moves on to CVX, drooling over several pictures of Wesker.

**Several Hours later…**

"Alright, it seems you are now stuck with…" WC snaps her fingers and Morpheus appears out of thin air. "Morpheus is now your new Head Councilor."

Everyone groans.

"Well I could head into RE4, I'm sure Ramon Salazar would be more than happy…."

Everyone freezes, looks at one another, then hastily (in unison) says:

"No! That's ok, Morpheus is fine! We **_love_** Morpheus."

"That's good to hear, have fun!"

As WC disappears in a puff of black smoke, Chris glances at Wesker.

"Is this an improvement?"

"I'm not sure…"

_**

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**_

_**A/N: **Thanks to Dan Helsing for eliminating Miss Perky for us! (cue claps) _


	16. Plot Holes and Fan Girls

_**A/N: **More mindless hilarity…_

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**Last Day Before the Big Show…**

With Morpheus as the new head councilor the attitudes of our young victims seems to have improved. In fact, Morpheus has given them the day off, sighting that they are more than ready for the big show tomorrow. So the campers are off engaging in mindless activities, most of which do not involve running, screaming, or rabid bunnies.

_Meanwhile near the girl's cabin…_

"I do believe we should check on our little friend." Annette smiles at Jill. "Don't you think?"

"Yea, we've been so busy, that we haven't spent much time with him."

"I fed him earlier today." Rebecca tilted her head, looking slightly naive. "He didn't seem very happy."

"Well, they say you need to spend a lot of time with your new pet." Alexia brushed a bit of hair from her face. "As Jill said, we have been ignoring him."

So the girls head back to their cabin, only to discover…

"AHHH! HE'S GONE!"

The four woman then break down, alternating between screaming and crying. After ten minutes of this, they finally calm down.

"The sack is gone as well." Annette examines the empty cubby hole where they had been hiding Dante. "He couldn't have gone far, tied up like he was."

"Ladies!" Alexia yells, grabbing a large net. "Now is the time for us to band together and hunt down our precious pet!"

Rebecca arches and eyebrow at Alexia's apparent nervous breakdown. Moving slowly she leaned over and whispered to Jill.

"Has she been drinking the lake water again?"

"I have no idea…"

_Meanwhile outside the cabin, sitting on the stairs…_

Sherry was just getting ready to call Claire on her hand, when something extremely strange caught her eye. Hell, this sight was strange even for Camp Umbrella…where strangeness is a way of life. She watched the object in question for several seconds, then leaned forward, and tapped Claire on the shoulder.

"Who is that guy?"

Claire looked up to where Sherry was pointing. Hopping across the yard, with his head sticking out of a sack, was a very good looking man with silver white hair. Claire watched the man's progress for several seconds before responding.

"Don't know, but he's kinda cute."

Suddenly Alexia came running out of the cabin, screaming a war cry. Claire starts to open her mouth, perhaps to ask the young Ashford if she's been drinking the lake water again, when Jill, Rebecca, and Annette come crashing out behind her. Claire and Sherry watch the four women for a few seconds.

"Bet that was the sack they brought back from the camping trip."

Claire nodded, looking over her cards. "More than likely."

_Meanwhile…_

Dante was hoping for all he was worth.

"FREEDOM! PRECIOUS FREEDOM!"

But his flight to freedom was short-lived as a large net fell over his head. He hit the ground in a cloud of dust and immediately started crying. Very OOC for a kick ass devil hunter I must say.

"I was so close, so very close…"

Jill, Rebecca, and Annette come to a skidding halt. Dante is crying in the dirt, mumbling incoherently while Alexia engaged in a Happy Dance. After several seconds of this, Jill clears her throat.

"Good going Alexia."

"Thanks!"

Ark and Barry, who happen to playing a game of marbles near by, stare as the girls pick up their captive and head back toward the girl's cabin.

"Hey Barry, you think that's the sack they brought back from the camping trip?"

"I think so."

But as our four intrepid girls walk back to the cabin, dragging the sack, they are confronted by none other than

Dante's partner…Trish…

"Um ladies, would you mind giving Dante back please?"

And their response…

"Step off blondie!"

"We found him first!"

"You had him long enough, it's our turn!"

"Yea!"

Trish is now slightly peeved. "Look _children, _I want him back. Don't force me to use my most horrible weapon…"

And their response…

"My brother is Alfred Ashford! Do you really think anything you have will frighten me?"

"Hell I survived two games, one of which included a drag queen opera singing freak…bring it on!"

"Nothing you have can possibly be more horrible than Steve in drag!"

"I'm married to William, nothing can be scarier than that!"

There is a momentary lull in the confrontation as Trish, Rebecca, Jill, and Alexia stare at Annette. They were expecting something about a tyrant or maybe a G-Virus monster. Being married to sullen old William was not even close to the top of their lists. Annette finally realizes she is being stared at and clears her throat, blushing slightly.

"I mean really, can you imagine listening to him go on and on about his G-Virus day after day?"

Rebecca shudders. "I see your point."

"Ladies can we get back to the matter at hand?" Trish waves a hand at the girls, getting their attention. "Now then since you won't give Dante back, I'm afraid I must release a terror far more…uh…terrifying then hell itself!"

"Wesker being perky again?"

Trish reaches out and flicks Rebecca on the end of the nose. The young medic glares at the blonde, rubbing her reddening nose. In the meantime, Trish proceeded to summon her terror…a howling mob of…RABID FAN GIRLS!

"OMG! IT'S DANTE!"

"HE'S SO CUTE!"

"I CALL DIBS ON THE COAT!"

"I WANT THE SWORD!"

"THE GUNS ARE MINE!"

And the response of the four young campers…

"I was wrong!"

"Oh no…"

"So much worse than Alfred…"

"WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

At this point Rebecca begins running around in circles screaming, much like Brad actually. Alexia has turned white and is shaking. Annette is sitting on the ground, rocking back and forth. Jill is mumbling to herself and looks ready to pass out. Trish relishes their pain for several minutes before speaking.

"Give me Dante and I'll make them go away."

Jill momentarily snaps out of her mumblings, grabs Annette by the lapels of her lab coat, jerks her to her feet, and shakes her back to reality.

"What are we gonna do!"

"I don't think we have a choice…" Annette is now crying. "I think we'll have to give him back…"

While Rebecca finally stops running in circles, although she is now sitting on the ground crying, Alexia snaps out of her shock. In fact she is looking much like her older more sadistic self.

"I will not lose my precious Dante now!"

Trish smirks, looking at her nails. "I think you are out of options."

"No I still have one option left…"

Jill actually turns whiter.

"Alexia you can't mean…"

"Alexia we've already called on her once…" Annette stammers.

Rebecca is now in the fetal position sucking her thumb. Everyone appears to be ignoring her.

"She is the only one left who can help us!"

Jill looks at the fan girls, then to Dante, then back to the fan girls, and finally her gaze falls back on Alexia.

"Alright…do it…"

Annette nods, a sly smirk coming to her face. She yanks a poke ball out of her back pocket and tosses it on the ground, not very dramatically I must say.

"Miss Authoress…I CHOSE YOU!"

The poke ball opens up and none other than our esteemed Authoress pops out. She's once again adopted new clothing and is now wearing Wesker's black combat outfit from Code Veronica X. She snaps her fingers the entire camp is freezes, except for Jill, Annette, Rebecca, Alexia, and herself.

"Hold on a second." Annette makes a time out sign with her hands as she looks at Alexia. "She lives in a poke ball?"

"She gave it to me when she got rid of Miss Perky." Alexia shrugged. "I think it was just so she could make a cooler entrance."

"Coming out of poke ball is cool?"

WC clears her throat. "I'm standing right in front of you, you know."

"Sorry."

"If you must know, I ran out of black smoke bombs. All I have left are pink ones." WC adjusted her sunglasses slightly and flicked a piece of imaginary dust from her sleeve. "I mean really, appearing in a puff of pink smoke just isn't as cool and dramatic as showing up in a puff of black smoke, now is it?"

Annette nods. "I can see the dilemma."

"Now then, what is it I can do for you?"

Alexia takes a deep breath. "Well we sorta kidnapped Dante…"

She then looks at Rebecca…

"…then Trish…" _sniffle_ "…showed up…" _sniffle_

Rebecca looks at Jill…

"…and demanded we give him back."

Jill looks at Annette…

"Obviously we refused…"

Annette looks at Alexia…

"…so she sent a bunch of Rabid Fan Girls after us."

WC blinked at the girls for several seconds. I do believe her main train of thought at the moment, is why each girl had to explain part of the story to her instead of just one of them telling her the whole thing.

"And you want me to get rid of them, right?"

All four girls nod, looking hopeful.

"Sorry, no can do."

"Please…" They all whimper.

"Nope can't get rid of them." Before the girls can start begging WC holds up her hand stopping them. "I can give you the means to fight them though."

Jill is now confused. "Umm…this is your fic, can't you just snap your fingers and you know _poof_ they're gone."

"Yes, I have that power!" WC breaks down into Wesker-like laughter for several seconds. "But I'm not going to."

"Why not?" They all whine.

"Cause it wouldn't be as funny as what I have in mind. Please remember that torturing characters is my main

goal in life."

The girl nod, completing understanding.

"Alrighty then!" WC reaches into her pocked and pulls out a large black disk, about five inches in diameter. "This is a _Resident Evil Plot Hole._"

After a few minutes of explanation W.C. hands the plot hole over to Alexia, snaps her fingers…unfreezing the camp…, and steps back to watch the show. The girls glance at one another, nodding that they were indeed ready and commence with their very Wesker-like somewhat evil plan.

"AHHH CRIS HELP!" Jill yells at the top of her lungs.

"OH NO! WILIAM PLEASE COME TO MY IMMEDIATE AIDE!" Annette screams.

"BILLY!" Rebecca screeches.

"HEY WESKER…YOU SUCK!" Alexia bellows.

Jill arches an eyebrow, staring at Alexia like she's lost her mind.

"What?" Alexia shrugs.

"Why did you just scream _Wesker Sucks_, instead of yelling for Alfred?"

"Because he's more popular than Alfred." Alexia subtly points at WC. "Plus she threatened me."

Chris, William, Billy, and Wesker come to a skidding halt just behind the four girls. Three of the four look worried, Wesker looks pissed. All of them are out of breath.

"Don't worry I'll protect you Jill!"

"Rebecca are you alright!"

"What is the threat my dearest?"

"Did I hear you right, did you just yell that I sucked!"

Alexia quickly tosses the plot hole over our four young men. Seconds later the plot hole disappears, and our four young men are now four older men. They have in fact, grown up. Chris is now the CVX version. Billy looks as he did in RE0. William is now his RE0 cameo version. While Wesker is now the evil yellow eyed version from CVX.

"What the hell?" Chris is now confused.

"Did I miss something?" Billy is now confused.

"Interesting…" William is now taking notes, go figure.

"Now I can really kick some ass!" Wesker is now more than a little happy.

While the boys try to figure out just what is going on and Wesker laughs evilly, the girls proceed with step two of their somewhat evil Wesker-like plan. Jill lets out a long whistle, getting the fan girls attention. Which works really, really well I might add. The Fan Girls come to a skidding halt, turning their attention to the four girls and, more importantly, the four men standing behind them.

"HEY GIRLS, LOOK WHAT WE FOUND!" Jill points at Chris.

"FRESH RESIDENT EVIL MEN!" Rebecca points at Billy.

"COME AND GET IT!" Annette points at William.

Alexia gives Wesker a good kick. He lands on the ground at the authoress' feet. WC smiles evilly and holds up a pair of handcuffs and some butterscotch syrup.

"Can you say fun?"

The Rabid Fan Girls quickly change modes and chase after Chris, Billy and William. Some venture near Wesker, but were soon dispatched by the WC. In a very painful and messy way, I might add. After seeing their comrades ripped to bloody shreds the rest of the fan girls stayed well away from him. Even Trish gets in on the fun, running after William as fast as her demon legs can carry her. With the Fan Girls now fixated on the RE men, and no longer interested in Dante, WC grabs Wesker's foot and prepares to leave.

"Well, my work here is done."

"PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME!"

WC disappears in a puff of pink smoke with Wesker still screaming. There is a parting statement from our evil WC.

"Damn pink smoke bombs…"

The four girls are now left alone with their toy, this brings them great joy. Whistling, while shoving the struggling Dante back into his sack, they head back to their cabin.

Chris is stranded in a tree, surrounded by fan girls. Billy is trying to escape in a canoe. William, perhaps the least prepared for this kind of thing, finds himself cornered in one of the cabins.

Brad, Enrico, Kenneth, Forest, Joseph, Leon, Steve, Alfred, Carlos, and Nemesis are all pissed that they didn't even get one line in the entire chapter…


	17. Meet the Parents

_**A/N: **Ruben Salven is the sole property of CassSpaz and is being used with her permission._

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**0 Hour…aka…The Day of the Big Show…**

Everyone seems to be having a rather good day, especially considering that this was it…the day they had been rehearsing for. Morpheus is skipping through the camp, humming various songs from the show. Luckily Chris, Wesker, Billy, and William have all returned to their smaller versions, good thing that plot hole trick is only temporary. Until 9:00 p.m. that night the campers were free to do as they wished. That is how we come upon our campers, busy doing…whatever…

"This time, no cheating Sherry." Claire eyes the young girl as she shuffles the cards. "I mean it."

"I didn't cheat, you just suck at poker."

"Will you deal already." Jill asks, playing with a poker chip. "Sometime today would be nice."

"Yea." Annette nods. "We only have a couple hours of free time you know."

"Oh shut up all of you!"

As Claire deals out a hand of poker, Brad is seen running from one of William's experiments. I think William needs stronger cages or something.

"AHHHH! ZOMBIE SQUIRREL! BILLY…HELP!

William is in hot pursuit of the squirrel, with Billy only two steps behind him. Despite the wild night with Rebecca, Billy is starting to get more than slightly agitated about this whole protection deal he's gotten himself into.

"This is getting ridicules…"

While Billy and William chase after Brad and the squirrel, Leon and Steve are in the middle of a slap fight. A slap fight that has been going on for the course of two hours. Carlos, Enrico, and Forest are sitting on the sidelines, watching the show.

"How did it get started this time?" Carlos hands Enrico a bag of popcorn. "Leon call Steve a fluff again or something?"

"I'm not too sure." Enrico passes the popcorn to Forest. "But I don't think so."

"Steve was checking out Claire's butt, again." Forest begins munching away. "And I think he may have whistled at her."

Carlos and Enrico both nod in understanding as Lean and Steve continue to slap the shit out of each other. Not far from the slap fight, we find Joseph and Rebecca up a tree. Rebecca looks a tad bit nervous and Joseph is holding a water balloon. Nemmy is only five or six steps from walking under said tree…gee, I wonder what is about to happen?

"This doesn't seem like a good idea."

"Will you trust me?"

"Fine, but don't say I didn't warn you…"

Just a short jaunt from the soon to be water balloon incident, Chris and Wesker are rolling around in the dirt trying to kill each other. Kenneth, Ark, Alfred, and Alexia are watching the fight, looking somewhat board. I guess it happens so often it just isn't that exciting to watch anymore.

"They're at it again."

"Yea." Ark sighed. "What's the count up to now?"

Alfred thinks for a moment. "70."

"What started it this time?" Alexia is busy filing her nails. "They look at each other wrong or something?"

"Chris said something about Wesker being kidnapped by the authoress."

There was a universal shudder as everyone remembered what Wesker looked like when the authoress finally released him. In the hopes of keeping this a PG-13 fan fic, said authoress will not go into specifics. Let's just say it involved a little of this…a little of that…a whole bunch of what not…

"Albert Michael Wesker! What do you think you're doing!"

Every head in the camp turned, with the exception of Leon and Steve's that is, as a tall woman in a black dress marched toward the two boys rolling in the dirt. She was followed closely by a tall man wearing a black dress shirt and matching dress slacks. Both of them were wearing dark sunglasses and had slicked back blonde hair, although the woman's hair was slightly longer than the man's. Wesker looks up, still holding Chris by the throat.

"Mom!"

"How many times have I told you…" Mrs. Wesker shakes her head. "Chocking isn't the quickest death. You want your enemy decimated before he can retaliate."

Everyone's mouth drops open in shock. I suppose it isn't too hard to figure out how Wesker got to be such a treacherous bastard anymore.

"Christopher Albert Redfield! Young man you get up right now!"

Two more people make their way to the scene of the fight. One is a tall athletically built young woman with long brownish red hair and the other is a muscular man with short cropped brown hair. Both look a great deal like older versions of Claire and Chris. The woman is wearing a pair of blue jeans and tee shirt, and the man is wearing an Air Force uniform. Claire comes running over, while Chris turns several shades of crimson.

"Mommy! Daddy!"

Carlos is trying not to laugh. "Your middle name is…Albert?"

"Shut-up Carlos!"

Suddenly, a man goes running by being chased by a gerbil the size of a dog and a brown haired woman in a lab coat.

" Brenda…HELP!"

Brad comes running into the scene seconds later and quickly catches up with the man running from the gerbil. Incidentally, Brad is still running from the squirrel.

"Dad…help!"

"I'm busy!" Mr. Vickers looks around wildly. "WHERE IS YOUR MOTHER?"

Mrs. Vickers is standing off to the side, shaking her head.

"Here we go again…"

"Will you stop?" William's Mom shouts at Mr. Vickers, sounding slightly out of breath. "It's not going to eat you…at least I don't think so…"

"Oh dear." William glances at his father. "It appears Mother has been working on her size enhancement experiments again."

"Indeed, she's making great accomplishments in that area."

So as the middle of the camp turns into a giant race for survival several more family members trickle in.

"Jill!"

Jill abandons her poker game and runs to her mother. She gives Mrs. Valentine a big hug, then glances around.

"Where's Dad?"

Jill's Dad, wearing a S.T.A.R.S. uniform, shows up a few seconds later.

"There's my girl!" He gives Jill a hug, then straightens. "Sorry, I was parking the car."

"Daddy, I found my perfect man!"

"Is that so?" Mr. Valentine arches an eyebrow. "Where is he then?"

Jill quickly drags her Dad over to Chris and his parents. The two families size each other up for several seconds as Jill excitedly introduces her love interest.

"This is Chris."

Over by the cabin Sherry makes an observation and shares with Rebecca.

"Looks like Jill and her mother have the same taste in men. Mr. Valentine and Chris could be father and son."

"Looks that way."

At this time two adult versions of Birkin and Annette show up. Sherry is now confused, as are most everyone present, and the readers at home I suspect.

"Uh…how the hell did they get here? I thought they were kids right now?"

"Maybe we should ask the authoress?" Rebecca squeaks.

WC is currently hiding in bushes waiting for the right moment to throw a net over Wesker's Dad.

"The authoress has no concept of time, remember?" Adult Annette pats Sherry on the head.

"This is true. Our esteemed writer feels that time is a nuisance to her writing…"

Adult Annette ignores her husband as he goes off on a technical rant.

"So how are you doing?"

Meanwhile a tall rather shapely woman shows up. With her dark features and black hair, it is obvious she is South American. Mrs. Oliveria glances around for a moment, before locating Carlos.

"Carlos!"

"Mom!"

Mrs. Oliveria starts to ask how Carlos is doing when a loud commotion interrupts her.

Rebecca's Mom. "You arrogant ass!"

Billy's Mom. "Get the hell away from me!"

Leon's Mom. "Ewww!"

Just as Steve's Mom screams loudly, shattering several windows, everyone turns in the direction of the commotion. Standing amidst the screaming women is a tall rather good looking Mexican man. At this point he appears to be hitting on each and every one of them, much to the dismay of the women. Though their respective husbands don't seem to happy about the arrangement either. Currently Salven appears to be stalking Mrs. Speyer.

"Hey baby, wanna take a look at the trees with me?"

"Ruben!" Mrs. Oliveria pinches the bridge of her nose. "Will you stop that?"

"Go Uncle Ruben!"

Jill glances first at Carlos, then Salven. "Guess we know where he gets is from."

"Annette is this normal?"

Annette looks up at her mother. "You mean the yelling, screaming, and people running for their lives?"

"Yea."

"All the time. By the way, where's Dad?"

A few feet away, Annette's Dad walks into a tree. Billy's Dad, standing nearby, quickly helps him up.

"You alright?"

"Pretty!"

Annette's father pats Mr. Coen on the head then skips off after a butterfly. Mr. Coen is now as confused as everyone else. Annette in the meantime, looks embarrassed.

"Mom, why did you marry him? I mean I love my Dad but he's…well…he's a moron."

"Well dear your father is indeed not very intelligent but he…uh…that is…he's very…" Annette's mother turns a bright shade of red. "I'll explain when you're older."

Suddenly, Mr. Vickers comes running by and jumps into Mr. Coen's arms.

"SAVE ME!"

Billy comes to a skidding halt.

"Hi Dad."

Mr. Coen glances first at his son, then at the grown man in his arms, then back to Billy. He looks very confused at this point. Perhaps more confused about the man in his arms, then he was about the man who patted him on the head.

"Did I miss something?"

Suddenly Brad comes running by and jumps into Billy's arms.

"SAVE ME!"

Billy sighs. "No."

While Mr. Coen and Billy try to decide how to handle their current arm loads, Mr. Kennedy and Mr. Burnside are in the middle of a slap fight. Nearby Leon and Steve are still having their slap fight. Barry and his parents are staring at random objects. Ark's Parents are wandering around in a daze, looking lost and sorta blank. Nearby stand Forest and Ark himself.

"Is that normal for them?"

"Unfortunately."

The Wesker family and the Redfield family are having a normal conversation, while the two boys glare at each other. Meanwhile…the authoress has inched closer to Wesker's Dad in hopes of snagging him with her handy net. Suddenly, just as Mr. Wesker is explaining how to kill somebody with rubber squeaky toy, WC throws the net and captures Mr. Wesker.

"AHHHHH!" Wesker is now screaming and running around in a very Brad-like way. "DAD'S BEEN CAPTURED BY THE PSYCHO AUTHORESS!"

"WHAT?"

Mrs. Wesker pulls a large handgun from under her dress, kinky, and looks around wildly for the Psycho Authoress. Although currently in a net, Mr. Wesker does not seem very flustered about it. Maybe it has happened before, who knows?

"Would you mind letting me go?"

"Sorry can't do that." WC smiles. "I have my reasons."

"That is my husband you have there!" Mrs. Wesker points the abnormally large handgun at WC. "Let him go!"

"Well, I'm sorry but Albert hasn't gotten all super powered yet and I used my last Resident Evil Plot Hole on

the Rabid Fan Girls."

"Superpowers?"

"Oh yea. He gets infected with this virus…and well hot damn he gets all super strong and fast and…"

WC drops the net holding Mr. Wesker and starts whispering to Wesker's mom. Slowly, Mrs. Wesker's eyes begin to widen.

"Think of the stamina…"

"Indeed." WC sighs. "So until he turns all cool I have to keep kidnapping look-alikes to keep myself busy."

"I have an idea…"

As Mrs. Wesker begins whispering to WC, WC begins smiling. Wesker is starting to look nervous.

"Why do I have the feeling this isn't a good thing for me?"

"Alright then…"

WC hands over Mr. Wesker and a vile of some reddish liquid. In turn, Mrs. Wesker hands over a Resident Evil Plot Hole. Wesker takes off running. WC chases after him.

"Come back Albie! I still have some butterscotch syrup left!"

The Parents and Campers are now stunned into silence…

Meanwhile, Dante has finally managed to escape during the confusion. Nemmy is having a pleasant visit with his parents, a vile of T-Virus and a prototype tyrant. Hopefully everything will calm down in time for the show…

**

* * *

**

_**A/N: **The big show is next!_


	18. The Big Show!

_**A/N: **Expect the show to bomb in a extremely funny way…_

* * *

It took at least an hour to get all the parents into their respective seats. Most of which was due to having to break up several fights. Including one between Chris' Mom and Wesker's Mom, which may have had something to do with Wesker's broken Mickey Mouse Sunglasses, but who can really say? And of course it took at least half the husbands present to prevent Ruben Salven from being castrated by every available female within a five mile radius of the camp. So after much shouting, screaming, and at least three disarmings, you would not believe the firepower Jill's Mom was packing, the parents were seated and ready for the show to start…

"I would like to welcome everyone to this year's show. Due to several unforeseen circumstances, including the former director being attacked by a poke ball, and of course the authoress being much lazier than usual…" Morpheus coughs a bit. "…not to mention a bit more vindictive as of late, plus the unusually small cast. We will not be showing you Moulin Rouge in its entirety. Instead we present you with…HIGHLIGHTS FROM MOULIN ROUGE!"

The lights dim as Morpheus scurries off stage. As the curtain raises Forest marches out to center stage, wearing a top hat and tails. Behind him is a large sign which reads _Moulin Rouge_ and a large windmill.

"This is a story of two people…a story of love. Set in the infamous Moulin Rouge, a bordello, a night club…where the rich and powerful came to play with the young and beautiful children of the underworld. First we have a young man, a writer…"

A spotlight illuminates Chris to stage right, he's turned slightly and staring off stage. He's dressed in a dress shirt, rolled at the sleeves and a pair of black dress pants.

"And a young woman, a courtesan…"

A second spotlight illuminates Jill to stage left, also turned and facing off stage. She is dressed in a scarlet off the shoulder dress, and bustle.

Mr. Valentine leans over to his wife and whispers. "What is a Courtesan?"

"I'll explain later dear…"

"These are the two lovers, but they are not the only players. We must not forget…The Duke…a slimy evil little creature, who hates everyone and everything. A treacherous, maniacal…"

Suddenly alarge rolled up newspaper flies from off stage and hits Forest in the head, shutting him up. A third spotlight illuminates Wesker standing next to the windmill.

"And thus our story begins…"

The stage lights blink out…when they come back up the scene has changed to the inside of the Moulin Rouge. Forest stands to the left of the stage.

"The Moulin Rouge and Zidler's infamous girls. They called them his…_Diamond Dogs…"_

Several doors slam open and our can-can dancers step out. Claire, Sherry, Rebecca, Steve, Alexia, Billy, and Annette. Since the show has been condescended, Billy too is now forced to dance and sing. Predictably, he is not exactly happy to be wearing a frilly dress right now.

As the dancers begin to sorta flaunt their 'goods' in the doorway, the reaction from the audience is somewhat mixed. Of course the parents of the girls are all smiles and murmuring among themselves about how cute their daughters look in the dresses. It's the parents of Billy and Steve that look a bit horrified. In fact, Mr. Burnside is stunned into complete and utter silence by the appearance of his son in a dress.

"Wow…I mean damn…" Mrs. Burnsides shakes her head. "…it's creepy how good he looks."

Mr. Coen has covered his eyes and is now crying. Mrs. Coen pats him on the back, trying to comfort him.

"Think of it this way dear. He **_does_** look rather nice."

"That is not reassuring…"

**The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): **_Voulez-vous coucher…avec moi ce soir!_

The music picks up as our "girls" step forward, shaking their proverbial booty.

**The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): **_Hey, sista, go, sista…soul sista, flow, sista! Hey sista, go, sista…soul sista, flow, sista!_

**Barry: **_(steps into the middle of the girls, dressed in a ringmaster like outfit) If life's and awful bore…_

**The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): **_(dancing around Barry, skirts flying everywhere) Soul sista, flow, sista!_

**Barry: **_(walks forward) And living's just a chore that we do…_

**The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): **_(still dancing around) Hey sista, go, sista!_

**Barry: **_Cause death's not much fun…_

**The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): **_Go sister, guichie, guichie, ya ya _

**Barry: **_(spreads his arms, gesturing to the girls plus Billy and Steve) I have just the antidote…_

**The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): **_DaDa_

**Barry: **_(winks at the audience as the girls jerk up their skirts) And though I mustn't gloat at the Moulin Rouge…You'll have fun - oh-la-la! So scratch that little niggle…have a little wiggle! (shakes his butt toward the audience)_

**The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): **_(still dancing seductively and a bit crazily) Creole Lady Marmalade! Voulez-vous coucher…avec moi ce soir!_

**Barry: **_Cause you can can-can!_

**The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): **_Voulez-vous coucher…avec moi ce soir!_

**Barry: **_You know you can can-can!_

**The Girls (plus Billy and Steve): **_Voulez-vous coucher…avec moi ce soir!_

Suddenly Enrico, Joseph, Leon, Ark, Brad, Kenneth and William appear on stage left. All are wearing tails, and carrying top hates as they half march, half dance across the stage toward the girls.

**The Boys: **_Here we are now entertain us!_

**Barry: **_Got some dark desire? Love to play with fire?_ _Why not let it rip!_ _Live a little bit!_

The girls, plus Steve and Billy, dance seductively across the stage toward the boys. In the audience, Mr. Burnside is now crying while Mr. Coen stares at the stage looking comatose. The girls, plus Steve and Billy, meet the boys and pair off. For about two minutes everything seems to be going fine, of course that can't last for long…and doesn't as Ark steps on Alexia's foot.

"OWWWW!"

Alexia promptly mutates and sets Ark on fire. In the meantime, as William is spinning Rebecca he somehow manages to slap Steve, who is dancing with Joseph, in the head. Steve then decks William, knocking him unconscious. Ark is still running around on fire as Annette lets out a loud scream and jumps Steve. Meanwhile Sherry, Enrico, and Rebecca finally tackle Ark to the ground and are attempting to put him out. Joseph is trying to pull Annette off of Steve, as she is beating the hell out of him. Then Brad does the dumbest possible thing that he could do at this point in time. While trying to run away from all the hostility, he trips. As he falls, he grabs for something, manages to snag a handful of Claire's dress, and…well…rips it off her as he hit's the ground.

"AHHHH!"

Claire runs off stage, now dressed only in a sports bra and that frilly underwear you're supposed to wear

under a can-can dress.

"YOU BASTARD!"

Predictably Leon jumps Brad. Steve would also have jumped Brad, were he not currently being strangled by Annette. Billy rolls his eyes and tries to pull Leon off of Brad. From the audience there is a loud gasp of surprise at Claire's violent disrobing. Salven jumps to his feet and points a finger at the stage, looking really pissed off.

"That kid's like 14, that is so wrong!"

Mrs. Oliveria looks mildly shocked. "Wow you finally said something that isn't derogatory and sexist!"

"I mean ripping her dress off is fine if she's like 20."

There is a five second pause before Salven is decked by Mr. Redfield. Salven is now unconscious. Morpheus comes running out, mutates into his female tyrant form, and electrocutes the entire cast to stop the madness. As our poor campers all lay twitching on stage Morpheus turns to the audience, still in tyrant form, and clears his…err…her…uh…_its_…throat.

"Um sorry about this…onto the next song!"

It then gives a dainty bow and quickly drags the unconscious William, the badly fried Ark, and the half dead Steve off stage. The remaining cast pulls themselves up off the floor and gets into position for the next song. Claire returns wearing a new dress. A spotlight illuminates Forest on stage left.

"And so in hopes of convincing Zidler to allow Christian to write **Spectacular Spectacular**.

Toulouse arranges a meeting between Christian and Satine. But she is better known as the Sparkling Diamond…"

**Jill: **_(above the stage on a swing) The French are glad to die for love. They delight in fighting duels. But I prefer a man who lives and gives expensive…_jewels.

Jill is lowered to the floor by Nemmy, the only stage hand, as the music picks up. And let's just say her outfit is rather revealing. Pretty much just a strapless sequined swimsuit and top hat. To say her Dad isn't pleased would be an understatement. Thankfully, Salven is unconscious and unable to comment at this time. Which is probably, given the comments he would probably have made, very healthy for him.

**Jill: **_(hops off the swing) A kiss on the hand may be quite continental…but diamonds are a girl's best friend!_

Jill is now dancing among the boys and well let's say it's kina provocative. Mr. Valentine is not pleased at all, as evidenced by his ever reddening face and tightening fists.

**Jill: **_A kiss may be grand but it won't pay the rental on your humble flat…(spins toward Kenneth, running a finger down his nose) Or help you feed your pussy cat! (gives him a push backwards into Joseph)_

Joseph manages to miss catching Kenneth and he hit's the floor with a loud thud.

**Jill: **_Men grow cold as girls grow old, and we all lose or charms in the end!_ _(shakes her booty at Enrico)_

_But square cut or pear shaped these rocks don't lose their shape! Diamonds are a girl's best friend!_

Joseph lifts Jill up onto his shoulders.

**Jill: **Tiffanies! Caritas!

Joseph sets her on the floor and gives her a little spin.

**Jill: **_(puts her hands behind her head and proceeds to flounce) Cause we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl. (leans forward and kisses Leon)_

Leon blushes bright crimson as Jill proceeds to flounce off. Claire, understandably, is jealous. She grabs a 2X4 from the set behind her, ripping it right off the windmill I might add, and promptly lays him out. There is wince from the audience as Leon does a complete 360 and falls off the stage. In the meantime Jill continues to flounce, ignoring the carnage going on around her.

**Jill: **_There may come a time when a lass needs a lawyer!_

Enrico and Joseph lift her onto a riser with Barry.

**Barry: **_But diamonds are a girl's best friend!_

**Jill: **_(still flouncing) There may come a time when a hardboiled employer thinks…_

**Jill/Barry: **_You're awful nice_.

**Jill: **_(shakes a finger at the crowd) But get that ice or else no dice!_

**The Girls (plus Billy): **_He's your guy when stocks are high, but beware when they start to descend! Diamonds are a girl's best…diamonds are girl's best…diamonds are a girl's best friend._

**Jill: **_(slips down from the riser and flaunts her way toward Chris) Cause that's when those louses go back to their spouses! Diamonds are a girl's best…diamonds are girl's beeest…_

Chris is turning his top hat nervously in his hands as Jill comes to a stop in front of him. She smiles and puts her face only inches from his.

**Jill: **_Frieeeend…_

The curtain swings shut and the audience enthusiastically applaud. While the audience cheers, Morpheus sneaks out and grabs the unconscious Leon from the floor in front of the stage and drags him away. Mrs. Valentine looks to be very proud of her daughter's performance.

"Oh my she's doing so well!"

Mr. Valentine grunts a reply, he's still not happy with the wardrobe. This is evidenced by the fact that he has snapped the arms off his chair. I guess seeing your only little girl flouncing around in a sequined swimsuit does nothing for your nerves.

Forest clears his throat. "But Satine was to meet someone else that night. Zidler's investor…The Duke. However

due to a slight mix up, it was instead Christian that was invited to her room. And it was not The Duke Satine tried to woo but Christian, thinking he was the Duke. And so our esteemed, and very poor, writer becomes smitten with her…"

The curtain opens on Satine's room. Jill is now dressed in some skimpy black lingerie and a see through black robe.

Jill's father is now even less pleased than before.

**Chris: **_My gift is my song! And this one's for you. _

Jill stands up from the bed looking surprised.

**Chris: **_And you can tell everybody that this is your song. It may be quite simple but, now that it's done…I hope you don't mind…I hope you don't mind that I put down in words! How wonderful life is now you're in the world. _

She walks toward Chris, smiling.

**Chris: **_Sat on the roof, and I kicked off the moss. Well some of these versus well they…they got me quite cross. But the sun's been kind while I wrote this song. It's for people like you that keep it turned on!_

Jill laughs as he takes a hold of her hand.

**Chris: **_(proceeds to dace with Jill as the backdrop disappears into what looks to be a roof scene with the moon overhead) So excuse me forgetting, but these things I do. You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue!_

Jill blushes as Chris stares into the eyes while they dance.

**Chris: **_Anyway, the thing is…what I really mean…yours are the sweetest…._

Suddenly the moon drops out of its proverbial orbit above the stage and cracks poor Chris in the head. The audience gasps in surprise and Mrs. Redfield jumps to her feet. Morpheus rushes on stage to check on the condition of our star, as the curtain closes. Backstage Wesker is giggling evilly and holding a pair of very large scissors. Guess it doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened to the rope that had been, at least until a few seconds ago, holding up the moon. Morpheus returns to the stage looking a bit paler than usual.

"Due to some unforeseen events, we will be cutting the production short." It snaps his head to Forest. "Just skip to the end!"

"Um…ya…well…ok. Let's see here, um…The Duke falls in love with Satine. Satine is in love with Christian. Uh…The Duke doesn't like that idea…so he demands that they change the ending of **Spectacular Spectacular **so that the Courtesan falls in love with the king guy. Satine lies to Christian and breaks up with him. Because the Duke threatened to kill Christian if Satine sees him again." Forest flips through his script pages. "Um…Satine is dying…Christian is pissed at Satine. Uh…he throws money at her and walks off the stage in the middle of the play. Then Toulouse says…."

The curtain opens again as Morpheus scurries off stage. Hanging from a rope above the stage, Alfred finally puts in an appearance.

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return!"

Jill is standing on a raised part of the stage, crying. Chris is standing below her a few paces away. He slowly turns toward her. Wesker sitting in a chair on stage right looking board. Chris runs up the stage, takes Jill in his arms, and kisses her. There is a long sigh from the audience. Then Wesker, feeling the show needs a bit more violence, jumps Chris. As the two boys tumble to the floor Jill grabs a nearby piece of scenery, a large shrubbery, and starts whapping on Wesker.

Mrs. Wesker jumps to her feet. "DON'T YOU HIT MY BABY!"

As Mrs. Wesker runs up on stage and tries to beat on Jill, Mrs. Valentine jumps to her feet.

"YOU'RE _BABY_ STARTED IT!"

Mrs. Valentine then runs on stage and jumps Mrs. Wesker.

"WAIT FOR ME!"

Mrs. Redfield jumps to her feet, runs on stage, and also jumps Mrs. Wesker. The members of the audience and the members of the cast, then glance at one another, wondering how to put a stop to the fighting. Just then, an argument breaks out between Mr. Wesker and Mr. Redfield.

"At least my son is cool!" Mr. Wesker jumps to his feet. "He's not a sniveling wimp like your son!"

"Really…" Mr. Redfield slowly gets to his feet, all 6'4" of him. I should mention he outweighs Mr. Wesker by at least a hundred pounds and is five inches taller. "At least my son doesn't get bitch slapped by a woman later in life."

Mr. Wesker then jumps Mr. Redfield. All hell breaks loose from here on. Almost all the women jump Salven, beating the hell out of him. Brad and Mr. Vickers are running around screaming their heads off, while Billy and Mr. Coen try to chase them down. Ark's parent's, Barry's parent's, and Annette's father are staring at shiny objects. Mr. Burnside and Mr. Kennedy are engaged in a slap fight. Rebecca and her parents are trying to help the wounded and the rest of the cast are trying to break up the fights between the parents…

**Several hours, broken bones, concussions, contusions, black eyes, and bloody noses later…**

We find our happy campers bidding a fond …ok well maybe not fond…but they are bidding farewell to Camp Umbrella. There are many tearful partings among friends, a few shaken fists at enemies, and Kenneth, Forest, Joseph and Enrico are now counting the days until the Mansion Incident. They were kind of hopping Chris and Wesker would kill each other, but it didn't happen.

So as they leave Camp Umbrella they shed tears of joy and some of sorrow. I suppose they would be crying a whole lot harder if they knew their parents planned on sending them back next year…

Suddenly every car leaving the camp comes to a skidding halt and all the kids bail out, looking sick and worried. The run up to the Camp Umbrella sign where our esteemed authoress is perched typing on a borrowed laptop, which has _Property of Nefarious Angel _stamped on the outside casing for everyone to see, wearing Chris' STARS uniform from CVX.

"WHAT?" Jill looks ready to throw up.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN _NEXT YEAR?" _Chris looks ready to pass out.

Brad is whimpering loudly, clinging to Billy's leg.

"NO FREAKING WAAY!" Billy glances down at Brad. "And if it does happen I…am…**_NOT_**…protecting …you…AGAIN!"

Sherry is sobbing. "Just shoot me!"

"Not more _quality time_ with Steve the freak!" Leon hooks a thumb toward Steve.

"Like I want to be around you either!"

Steve then decks Leon. Leon is now on the ground, unconscious…again…

Annette is shaking head. "I really to not want to make a return appearance here."

Birkin is holding several cages with his animal experiments. "Nor I."

Carlos pleads. "Please show some decency you twisted woman!"

Wesker is pissed. "NO BLOODY WAY YOU'RE DRAGGING ME BACK HERE!"

"starrrrsss…"

Barry is staring off into space. "No…not again…"

Ark is beating himself in the head with Sherry's stick. "FORGET FORGET! NOT AGAIN!"

Alfred is screaming bloody murder and holding on to Alexia's leg, while Alexia is looking unnaturally freaked out.

"That is so…evil…"

Rebecca has melted into a puddle of goo. Enrico, Forest, Kenneth, and Joseph are all thinking this could be a second chance to get rid of Wesker and Chris. WC is taking great joy in the pain she has caused and cackles evilly as she types away thinking about a possible sequel.

"Maybe, maybe not….who knows!"

The entire cast then glumly walks back to the waiting cars, but before they leave they bid a truly fond farewell to the readers.

"GOOD BYE TO EVERYONE! WE HOPE YOU ENJOYED OUR TIME TOGETHER!"

They all look at each other grumble a bit more, sigh, swear, and finally climb into the waiting cars.

_**- Fin -**_

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**

_**A/N:** I hope everyone enjoyed this final chapter of Camp Umbrella. (Even if I did cut the production of Moulin Rouge short) I would just like to truly thank everyone who read this story and left such wonderful reviews. It is due to the fans that this story has gone on as long as it has. Originally it was only meant to be five or six chapters long. Once again I thank you from the bottom of my heart!_

_**PS: **I do not know yet if there will be a sequel or not, but it is a possibility…you can always hope!_


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